By #2 Son
It’s 5 o’clock in the afternoon. Walking around Southern California, one might notice the faint odor of patchouli in the air, as a strange creature is awakening from his sleep. We are in the natural habitat of the Hippie, a hairy, mostly nocturnal creature that wanders about freely without even the slightest hint of shame.
One thing we know about hippies, is they want to be naked all the time. This is because Southern California is a very warm place to live. This fact is interesting, yet potentially dangerous. For instance, some hippies (like Tommy Chong) are slightly unattractive and shouldn’t be naked.
We also know the hippies smoke marijuana all the time. Based on scientific evidence, we are now able to know that cartoon-watching is a direct result of marijuana use. This leads many hippies to become hungry and have the munchies. It is interesting to note that hippies never get fat because all hippies are vegetarians.
There are two types of hippies. Orthodox and primitive hippies have quite a few differences. Orthodox hippies are hippies that use technology. It is therefore easy to classify anybody who drives a Prius, anybody who uses wind energy for their homes, or anybody who uses solar power, as an orthodox hippie.
These people are the most hip. They are against the war, but are more concerned about saving the environment and tend to live in areas like San Diego and Los Angeles. These hippies hold a vegetarian diet, but still eat cheese and drink milk. Also, they eat sushi every chance they get. Since they eat fish on occasion, they are considered “vegiquarians.”
Primitive hippies are people who live on their own. Primitive hippies are usually ex-members of Hare Krishna and never drive. If you do see a primitive hippie in public or on the road, he’s probably using public transportation and not wearing shoes.
The diet of primitive hippies is always vegan. They refrain from consuming all products that come from animals. They don’t wear leather, they don’t drink milk, they don’t eat cheese and they certainly don’t eat meat.
The primitive hippie never needs exorcise because he is always hiking barefoot. It is important to note that walking barefoot is an exercise in itself and requires a lot of energy.
This type of hippie is allergic to politics, so he tends to stay out of that particular realm. Usually, the primitive hippie lives in the desert in a mobile home. He has fourteen dogs, twelve cats, a rooster, two lizards and a hamster that all run freely around his property. He bathes with them.
Right now, a hippie is kayaking in a local lake, where he is soon to meet his predator: The Man.
There arte two types of the man. One species lives in the northeast of the United States, and one lives in the south. The man who lives in the northeast is called a neocon, and the man who lives in the south is called a redneck.
Neocons tend to have more monetary assts than rednecks. They wear expensive suits that are produced in Bangladesh for the price of a bowl of rice and a jug of milk. They are usually businessmen, and tend to be outnumbered in places like New York, New Jersey and Conneticut.
One thing that is common among neocons is that they always drive sports utility vehicles. These people tend to believe that all poor people are poor because they deserve it, and they can really become rich if they wanted to. When they hear the Nike has shipped their textile factories overseas, and are paying their workers in beans, they consider it a favor on behalf of American corporations.
It is true that neocons eat meat, but it is also a fact that they choose choice cuts and more expensive types of food. The Neocon is usually seen eating filet mignon while his next door neighbor has no health insurance.
Then there are the rednecks. Much like the primitive hippie, the hippie also lives in a motor home. However, he tends to live in places like Alabama and Georgia, or basically anywhere in the bible belt.
Rednecks are almost always religious fundamentalists. They consider everything written in the bible as fact. They are convinced that homosexuals, liberals and people who have sex outside of marriage are all going to suffer in hell.
They are usually seen worshipping people like televangelist Pat Robertson. The redneck moves around in an old Ford pickup truck. Sometimes, he paints a confederate flag on the hood of his car. However, he doesn’t believe he is going to hell for it.
Rednecks listen to gospel music all the time. They usually aren’t very fond of immigrants A neocon from New York would not be able to understand the language of a Redneck from Georgia.
They usually dress in flannel shirts and work boots. Most rednecks have mullets and listen to Lynard Skynard. They also tend to be slightly overweight, but that is always burned off with a hard days work.
However, all types of hippies and all types of man have one thing in common: they are all avid supporters of freedom of speech. Though we may disagree, and sometimes would like to shut each other up, we consider each person’s right to speak a fundamental necessity. With this state of mind, it could be possible for hippies and the man to live in harmony and come to a compromise to create a new generation of polar opposites.