GOOD NUTRITION

I happen to be an expert on good nutrition. Having spent my time on the many diets the Little Woman has devised for me, I now can tell you the difference between calories and fats and fats and carbohydrates. The difference being that they are all bad for you. I think.

I break food down to the three main food groups: small, medium and large. I always eat light, nothing dark. Eating light on an empty stomach is a very bad idea. It causes air pocket in the intestines that form gas. Unless your gas goes at $3.15 per gallon too, not a good idea.

A basic rule of culinary discipline is that if it tastes good, spit it out immediately, and no fooling around. I myself have been relegated to a saw dusk diet. There is a variation in the sawdust diet, in that you can have either maple or oak saw dust for special occasions. On all other occasions, you must have plain pine saw dust, except your birthday, when you may imbibe on sugar pine.

When the question of beverages comes up, I am personally very strict. I choose a strict regime of Gentleman Jack, as in Jack Daniels Manhattans. The concoction helps prevent the dying of my stomach lining (the alcohol preserves it) and the name Jack Daniels give you someone to talk to about your diet.

Attention all you married men. When your wife goes on a diet two things occur if she loses weight. First, she will make you go on the same diet, whether you want to or not and secondly if you sleep with the woman, the pounds have a bad habit of shifting from her to you while you are both asleep! For instance, the little woman lost 1,25 pounds the first week, the very same 1.25 pounds you gained! Likewise, the second week, when she loses 2.45 pounds, you gain 2.45 pounds the second week. This is a fact of life, can’t be disputed, and besides, you won’t win any arguments with her. She might even call you “Fat Man”.

ATTENTION MICHAEL-
Congratulations on your graduation today! I am very proud as is Mom and Anthony.
I love you,
Dad