HELLO MUDDER

I went and visited my Mom tonight to see how she’s doing in the ICU at Brookhaven Memorial Hospital. I’m sure you’ve heard of places like this, where you scheme to get buy the receptionist, or walk buy the desk and just head to the elevator, or you are chicken like I am and actually go to the receptionist and ask for a pass. The gentleman prints out the pass and says without looking at me “third floor, make a quick right off the elevator then a quick left. If you do find it, come back and I’ll give you more challenging directions to get there.” Being how I have a very sore foot and leg from being on my feet all day I intend to make only slow rights and lefts.

If you are like me, the personnel at hospitals, especially the nurses on ICU’s can seem a bit bossy. They like to tell you what to do, and how to do it. Of course I get lost with the slow right and then slow left off the elevator as all I see is a rather heavy door that looks like it belongs to an old abandoned storage room. It’s where they are keeping my Mother.

There is a large sign that reads:

VISITORS:
Brookhaven Hospital reserves the right to smack you around if we deem it necessary up here in the ICU. This is for our patient’s protection. Please cooperate or you’re gonna get it.

I push open the huge door and start to search for Mom, passing an array of cubicles, fully manned by nurses on telephones while practicing looking mean.

Nurse Bromide: “May I HELP you?”

Me: (Humbly) “I’m looking for Olympia.”

Nurse Bromide: “She’s three rooms down, visiting is for 45 minutes ONLY”

I start searching, one room after another. I suddenly start hearing a slow rumble, as the floor starts to shake and the nurses drop their clipboards and phones and hang on as the room rocks. Ah, I found Mom, asleep and snoring, it sounds like a crew of sailors snoring! (Dad was right!) I’m at a crucial crossroad in this visit, do I awaken her, and risk a mighty blow across the jowls for disturbing her sleep or do I wait as I think about Nurse Bromide’s “visiting is for 45 minutes ONLY”? Just then my nephew the Macaroni Man shows up. A brief “Hello” and Mom stirs awake. Mom jumps slightly, and looks surprise. She says my name, and then says the Macaroni Man’s name, totally confused. “Mom, did we awaken you, you were asleep.” “Oh no, I was just reading this magazine” which happens to be ten feet away from her.

“Ma, you were snoring!”
“I don’t snore”
“It sure sounded like it!”
“You know I’m still you Mother, sharp, don’t get so smart or you will get Il bastone grande! (The big stick)
“Ma, maybe I heard my stomach growl instead