HERE COMES THE BRIDE!

Let me be the first to announce electronically, the joining in matrimonial bliss, the hands of Kimberly and Christopher, forever known as Mr. and Mrs. C. Ruvolo!

What is it about weddings that make me excited? Is it the pageantry, the ceremonial aspects of the occasion? Is it the fact that: two people are locked together for a lifetime? Is it the fact that a lot of joy is spread through family and friends? No, it’s the fact that there is a cocktail hour, dinner and dessert, not to mention a few drinks and a whole lot of dancing! Yes, why be transparent?

Of course my mother thinks that the only thing that matters is the actual ceremony. OK, Ma, but pass me a Jack Daniels and a little lamb chop with the panties on during the cocktail hour!

If the truth were known: whenever one of my sisters got married, I would stand there in the church watching, and a tear would well up in my eye. Yes, my sister was marrying! All those years we grew up together, all the times we spent at the dinner table, all the things we shared. And now the poor bastard is going to get his! And another tear would fall from my cheek. I thought to myself, if he bolts, do I wave bye-bye?

My Aunt Marie used to say to me when she fought with one of her kids: “Joe, don’t get married! If you do get married, don’t have kids. If you do have kids, drown them!” Of course Aunt Marie had her troubles, but she always had a plan.

Dad was still smarting from marriage until the he died! He would go around the house saying: “Still married to the same woman, for 50 years!” Mom would get a little annoyed and ask: “What do you want, a cigar?”
And poor Dad would just look at her and mumble: “No, a break!”

Of course marriage has helped men live longer. It is a proven scientific fact that married men live longer. That is of course, as long as he listens to his wife. She’ll keep him alive until the insurance becomes enticing, then he better listen!

Me, I’m now doing almost 40 to life, and no time off for good behavior.

Another scientific fact: Why do men die before their wives? They want to!

Now, before you start sending me lots of angry notes and emails, I’m only kidding! I know because TLW (The Little Woman) will read this and say: “You are only kidding, right?” Besides, it’s hard enough sleeping with one eye open, let alone two!