LET THERE BE LIGHT…

In fact, let there be two lights!

No, I’m certainly not God, but sometimes I get directions from one, the Goddess TLW of crazed husbands, (The Little Woman), who in her quest for more quiet days, plans to sell the old homestead along with me in it, tied up in the basement. (She says she wants a one-bedroom, with a lot of space.)

You know the old story, and how it goes; you buy shoes, you need socks, then you need nice cuffs for the pants, so you buy new pants, that means you need a jacket, so you buy a suit, before you know it, a shirt and tie are right behind!

A new patio door system requires new lights for the nightlights to look good. So TLW goes out and purchases one for each of our den doors. This of course is where the expense ends, since she has a resident electrician and handyman. Me!

“Joe, we need a new light out side the patio doors.”
“We do!”
“Yes, I need you to put them up. You can put them up, you’ve done it before.”
“OK!”
“Hee hee, we need two lights.”
“We DOOOO?”
“It won’t take you long.”
(It won’t take HER long, me is another story.)
“We need to read the instructions first.”
“You need to read the instructions first, I need to take the old ones down, first.”

This is when TLW is at best, when she wears her shirt with four stars on each shoulder, for these occasions. (She is never out-ranked.)

Getting my tools out, I prepare for the ordeal of figuring out what to do, fighting with TLW on how to do it, and getting instructions before I even start. TLW prepares for the ordeal by trying to avoid my cursing both in English and Italian, having the proper medicinal supplies available, and a box for extra leftover parts. (I will eventually build a car out of them, I’m sure of it.)

In any phase of my life, I will find things that can go wrong, and try my best to avoid the blisters that come with it. This time out, taking out an old screw the builder used to attach the electrical box, is striped at the head, making me nuts. Finally it gets removed, and all the pieces are removed for the new installation. Of course the new stuff never fits perfectly, being how it is so much newer, and I’m so much older.

I rewire, stick on the caps ground the ground, and sound the sound, stuffing the wires in each light box so as put in the actually fixtures. Figuring out the plate, with TLW watching, leading and coaxing, I periodically drop a screw, or wire cap, and a few tools, sometimes in succession, making TLW wonder: “Where did I get this old fool?”

Finally I’m done, TLW runs to the fuse box to restore the electricity while I sit in a chair, looking at the light, saying: “Please work, don’t make me have to take you apart.”

After a lifetime of waiting, THE LIGHT GOES ON! Success, oh happy days are here again, I jump out of the chair and head around to the other side of the den, IT TOO SHINES!

“Success!” I shout, “I’m done!”
TLW: “Good, now go get a new handkerchief for the new suit you bought for the new shoes.”