THE TAX MAN COMETH

Every month he comes for lunch and every month he has me laughing at the inanity of the US Government, and the stupidity of the US taxpayer. It seems the IRS is like a little child that if it doesn’t get its way will pout and stamp its feet. On the other hand there is the taxpayer who is always scheming to circumvent the rules and regulations of the tax codes.

A FULL MOON

Bill works an hour a day talking to people on the phone as part of his job. Occasionally he writes letters as a result of his conversations on the phone. Sometimes he overhears other agents of the IRS speaking to taxpayers who don’t wish to listen to what is being said. This amuses Bill because all this exchange is usually where the taxpayer wants to claim people they have no right to claim: or own a business that is not legally paying taxes and have just been found out and pretend they didn’t know.

One story he told me was about a man who disputed that he owed the IRS $75. Bill took his call, and the man was adamant and rude. But Bill, never losing his cool, said he would investigate the man’s claim. A week later Bill called the man back and said: “You’re right, we did make a mistake!” The man had triumph in his voice. “You mean I don’t owe the IRS $75!” “Yes”, said Bill, “We made an awful mistake, you owe $7,500!”

More often than not, at night is the busiest time for the IRS as far as incoming phone calls are concerned. It usually takes 45 minutes before your call is taken, and if you are angry and impatient and hang up, you only prolong the agony. Often when taxpayers get annoyed, Bill suggests that they hang up and try another agent: “Even though you will get the same results!” he insists. This will usually bring the caller back to reality.

The glee in Bill’s voice was comical as he relates these stories to me over lunch. He then goes into an imitation of the taxpayer and by now I am crying, laughing so hard I am drawing attention to myself.

If you ever need to talk to someone at the IRS at night, make sure you listen carefully to his first name, because I may be hearing a story about you in the future. But don’t worry, he never uses names, just adjectives followed by taxpayer.