I opened it up and suddenly, things started to move around!
Some things were going up and some down and a few shifted sideways. I thought
out loud: “I need a new wallet!” TLW’s (The Little Woman) ears perked up when I
said the word wallet, (They always do) and immediately volunteered to get me a
new one when she went to the store.
Of course she also volunteered as to how it is possible that
MY wallet could get worn out since I don’t use it much. I reminded her I take
it out every Sunday morning to pay
for her breakfast. There are four occasions when I open the wallet; 1) Her
breakfast, 2) when I purchase gas for the car, 3) when I dine out and 4) when I
buy her presents, like her birthday, Christmas or our anniversary.
To a woman purchasing her own wallet is a big deal. They
have colors, shapes and compartments. The wallets need to carry credit cards
and check books and a pen, and a place to store coupons. I know all this
because I have watched the process unfold before my very eyes.
Men don’t need bells and whistles, just a place to put their
cash, license and one credit card, the one they want to use to pay Dr.
Kevorkian’s office bill when I feel the time comes. It should be black or brown
and fold only once or twice.
The need to volunteer to buy my wallet has me suspicious.
Why would she even bother to buy my wallet? It has occurred to me that she has
implanted a monitoring device somewhere where I can’t find it. Some kind of
chip is implanted and it forwards to her every time I put money in it, or out
for that matter and how much is currently in it. I just KNOW there is a place
somewhere hidden, put together by women techies that are designed for assisting
wives in monitoring services. Don’t ask me where because it is a secret to
wives only! I’m sure there are a number of monitoring devices around the house
that I haven’t found yet, but I continue to search, with the hope of becoming a
national hero to all married men in this country when I discover what these
things look like.
If I need to search, I usually wait for TLW to be away, but
if it is an emergency, or I am desperate to search, I just hold up a newspaper
and say: “Wow, a big sale at Kohl’s today!” She never even checks my sources,
just puts on her coat like the house is on fire and shoots out the door! This
technique has also freed up many a winter Sunday afternoon to watch football.
Of course once I get the wallet, I need to transfer
everything into the new wallet to continue to function. Credit cards I never
use, old restaurant recipes from vacations as far back as 2004 that are
disappearing, scraps of paper with phone numbers that I don’t know who it
belongs to and old business cards that are wearing out and the company is no
longer in business are all eliminated from the old wallet and only what I
absolutely need will be included in the new cow hide.
“So do you like the wallet I got you?”
“Yes I do, very much, but please tell me where the monitor
is?”
“No.”
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