I DON’T THINK SO, JOSEPH!

Those were the words written cross the top of my homework paper by Mrs. James, in red ink, and it sunk me forever! “I DON’T THINK SO, JOSEPH!”

But let me explain.

The 4th grade class of students was about to hand in their class work to the teacher, Mrs. James. There on the top of my seat neighbor Dennis Day’s, (His real name) paper was written something. I don’t recall what it was, but remember the conversation.

Me: “You wrote that on your paper!”

Dennis: “Oh, I write anything I want on it, all the time.”

Me: “Really!”

I decide to do my own headline across my paper.

“The Great Joseph Del Bloggolo” written boldly across for the entire world, especially Mrs. James to read.




The next day, first thing in the morning, Mrs. James returned our papers, and across mine was written: “I DON’T THINK SO, JOSEPH! Have one of your parents sign it and return it to me tomorrow!”

Of course this ruined my whole day, and the heat from my cheeks just from the embarrassment, let alone the shock that I couldn’t write anything across my paper stayed with me the whole day. As the day progressed, I started to plot how I would deal with this pending crisis, and the woman back at home with the wooden spoon.



I woke up the next morning, still not presenting the death sentence to dear old mom, and time was running out! Soon the bus would show up, and I had to get on it. Then it occurred to me. I went into the bathroom and waited. Soon I could hear Mom call:

“JOOOOOOSUFF-THE BUS IS HERE!”

I step out, paper in hand, and present it to her. The look of confusion crosses her face then one of incredulous wonder at the paper, she looks at me, signs it and I grab the paper and run like I was in a den of hungry lions. (That would have been easier to deal with)

That afternoon, when I got home, mom had cooled down. As I tried to disappear without making noise, I entered the house. STANDING IN FRONT OF ME STOOD THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH! Arms folded, she stared down at me (she was a lot taller in those days!)

“So, the Great (Emphasis on great) Joseph has returned, has he? And what makes you so great?”

“Well… I was talking to my friend and…”

“Did you hand in the paper I signed?”

“Yes.”

With her forefinger and thumb pinched together she begins: “IF YOU EVER EMBARRASE ME AND YOURSELF AGAIN, if you do: YOUR FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”

One thing about mom, she usually made herself pretty clear.

SMOKE GETS IN MY EYES

They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
Oh, I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied

They said someday you'll find
All who love are blind
Oh, when your heart's on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I can not hide
Oh, so I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes
Smoke gets in your eyes

If it weren’t for Hollywood and the Native Americans (#1 Son, notice I didn’t say Indians, redskins or injins?) the smoking epidemic would not be that bad today. Of course the; advertising and TV and Radio industries had a lot to do with that too.



I am a big fan of old movies, and I think it is because I miss the good old days, wish I could have experienced the early part of the last century and even the later part where I was much younger. But in the old movies, with their black and white appeal, stylish 30’s and 40’s women, smoking was a symbol of one being sophisticated. So of course all the leading men and women smoked in most of their scenes.

Then when I turned the ripe old age of 11, my good buddy introduced me to cigarettes, which I smoked until I was about 45 years old, when I suddenly stopped cold-turkey. I had to psych myself into thinking about the logic of not smoking and the cost of smoking side by side. On the eve of New Year’s Day, 1989, I had my last cigarette. Ironically, I had it with my Dad, who would die of lung cancer the next year!



I had a baby son back in ‘90, and the cost of cigarettes was climbing rapidly. I knew it wasn’t good for me, and I decided, I was also making some rich man richer by buying his product, and killing myself in the meantime. This made me angry at myself and I wasn’t smoking anymore.

I was influenced by not only Hollywood and advertising, but my Dad! I had fallen victim to the same madness that everyone else had! I could remember as a little kid, my dad lighting up, and that initial aroma was a bit enticing to me, just as a freshly opened can of coffee!



I see people I love that smoke, and I get anxious for them, want to take the butt away from them, but even more than smoking, I hated when people chastised me for it, and how inferior it made me feel.

THE 'ALTER' BOY!

When I was an altar boy many years ago at St. Joseph the Worker parish in Hagerman, NY, I was coaxed into joining by my best friend Jerry Murray. Jerry lived a few doors from me and lived in a Irish Catholic family, while I was an Italian, and we had many types of small rivalries, including: his Giants and my Dodgers, Irish vs. Italians, who had a more witchy sister, and those kinds of things. But above all, we were best friends and did a lot together, including joining Little League and joining the altar boys.

Jerry was a year older than me, and so had a leg up on life. When he went away to Pius X to junior high to begin a journey to the priesthood, he came home for Thanksgiving and immediately introduced me to cigarettes! Off into the woods we went with a stolen pack of his mom’s Winston cigarettes, where I had a few puffs and ran home to puke my guts up. This was after a rather large Thanksgiving dinner, and my folks became suspicious that a few hours later I was very hungry again.

Many mornings we would get on our bikes when we were in elementary school and serve 7:00 a.m. mass. If the priest were not yet in the sacristy, we would take a sip of the wine, just a sip, but the Mass seemed a little livelier than usual at 7:00 a.m.! Many were the night we would do a novena and on the way home get shall we say: “Distracted” from the best and most direct route to our home.

One night we decided to cut across a landfill that had piles of dirt, stone and pebbles that covered a direct path to our street. It was fenced off and so we decided we would climb the chain-link fence, cross through the property and scale the fence once more to get to the other side. As we dropped down on the ground, suddenly a spotlight started to scan the property, slowly moving across the hills and piles of dirt, sand and pebbles. The flat light would crawl across the ground, climbing the piles, in search of two intruders. This became adventurous and thrilling to Jerry and me. It was pitting us as a team against some unknown, and we were bound to get away or face the horrors of a wooden spoon and a belt!

Following the pattern of the light, and the systematic way it was moving, we figured out we could get around it and scale the fence before we were caught. I nudged Jerry toward another hill to hide behind, he moved and so we moved that way until we reached the fence, where with one quick movement, we began to climb the fence, just as we could feel the presence of something moving in our direction. A sense of urgency overcame us both, as we moved up and over the fence. As we landed on the outside of the fence, did we hear the deep growl and barking of a massive German Shepherd, which took my breath away!

Some altar boy! Today they are called servers, because in my church, they are mostly girls!

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S

Well, maybe not, but having breakfast with me is an adventure. After church, TLW (The Little Woman) and I go to breakfast at this great little diner that I love. It makes the best French Fries, and has great rye bread from a bakery, or so we think.

Sitting in a booth facing each other we got comfortable before ordering and I noticed how long the table is. We are sitting at the end of the table near the aisle, and not the wall. On the table against the wall are the salt and peppershakers, and the ketchup. Being a man with plans, I decided to take the items mentioned and move them down toward us so when the food does come, I won’t be leaning over the food reaching for the items.

Carefully I take the ketchup bottle, and situate it at the midpoint of the table and put the shakers in front of it, very neatly, side by side. I feel the eyes of the world on me, as I look up and notice TLW is watching. A smirk is beginning to curl on her lips.

Me: “Shut up.”

She continues to smile and doesn’t say anything. Finally breakfast is over, we get the check and she says: “The reason I was smiling is not that you moved things closer, but how precise and orderly you reset them”.

My first inclination was to knock over something, then; I decided instead, to make her pay the tip.

I have to say that I do get somewhat nuts about order. Things should be as convenient as possible for me, since usually things aren’t, and I have to struggle. The one time I can control things, and I’m getting laughed at!

HOW DID I GET HERE SO FAST?

The other day I was talking to someone at my daughter’s agency about how we seem to go from year to year very quickly. It is bad enough when the years go by so fast that 10 years ago seems like yesterday, and you are not so sure it wasn’t yesterday, and then you couple the fact that your oldest child has gray hairs, and so that means you have gray heirs!

My trouble is that my dog, Happy is aging along with me, and is feeling about as good as I feel. Yesterday, or was it ten year ago, she didn’t eat, or drink her water. She slept all day and seemed worn out from must have been a very hard day.

The hardest day that dog ever had was when we had an extra something to eat one day, and she had to put in some extra time begging. This cut into her day of sleeping and you could see the toll it took.

As for me, as it must be for you, aging is becoming aware that you are not who you think you are. It suddenly becomes harder to read a newspaper because you need help with the lighting, the magnification, and the arthritis that pervades your comfort! You soon discover that you can’t eat the things you used to enjoy, they come back to haunt you.

Of course, all your pleasures in life become abbreviated to the point that some of them you give up on all together, and soon part with them. Why? Usually it is because of the physical restraint that you must employ to try to enjoy them.

As a young man, I can recall how disappointed I would be if Dad or Mom said they couldn’t do this or that, while I could, wondering what the big deal was, it is so easy. Now, not only do I know what the big deal is, I’m starting to fold my cards!

My grandmother lived to a very old age, and my mom seems to be doing the same, I look at her and marvel that she can still do for herself, even though she needs to take better care of herself. The other day I was visiting her and as she got up to walk to the door with me so she could lock it, I noticed how hard it was for her to walk.

“Ma, where’s your walker?”

Looking at me crossed eyed, she says: “I DON’T OWN A WALKER.”

“Oh, so where is your cane?”

“In the closet.” (Of course, where else would it be you big dummy!)

“So when you walk in the closet, you use it?”

“LOOK, DON’T START WITH ME, THAT THING MAKES ME FEEL OLD AND DECREPID!”

Maybe, just maybe I should learn to shut my big mouth and not remind not only her, but myself that we are getting old.

249 DAYS!

Recently there was a report about Belgium, a tiny little country in Western Europe, celebrating 249 days without a government!

Lucky Belgium!

It seems that the 6 million Dutch speaking and 4.5 French speaking nation can’t seem to compromise and come to any agreement about forming a government.

Lucky Belgium!



In this country, the good old US of A, we have too much government for my own good. The hamlet or village has a government, the town, the county, the state and the Feds, all have a government, all have their hand out, and all seem to find ways to squander my money. If that is not enough for me, there is TLW (The Little Woman), a business partner, my dog and my daughter, and God! I am so far down the pecking order: I have to look up to look down!

What would happen to the pomposity scale if we had no government? Would the jails be emptier? Would April’s spring cleanup only be our back yards, and not our pockets too?



What would happen at 6:00 pm with the nightly news, good stories and maybe no news? Discussions at the dinner table might take a turn for the better, we would clear out city hall, fire all the slackers and save a nice bundle of cash for an extravagant vacation?

If we could then convince the rest of the world to rid themselves of their governments too, we would then have true peace. We could scrap the military budget and apply it to cancer research, cures for heart disease, Parkinson’s and other horrific diseases, including developmental disabilities.

I like Belgium a whole lot more as I write this!

Of course, we would not have as many services available, for instance; the plows that plow my street to get me on the road, would not be plowing me in so I can’t access the road. We wouldn’t be paying over $400 for a toilet seat or hammer for government use, and who knows, we would all miss the inanity of government logic!

Helloooooooooooooooooooo!

A great loss has been foisted upon us! We wuz robbed of a great uncle, our Uncle Leo!

My baby sister MaryAnn, who does a lot of flying around, with or without a plane, asked the question: “Who’s Uncle Leo?”

Who’s Uncle Leo?! Indeed!

If I may quote Uncle Leo: “Helloooooooooooooooooooo!”

Yes, that is who Uncle Leo, dear sweet Uncle Leo was. He was seedy, disgusting, and a crook, I loved him! His presence even reminded me to wash behind the ears, and then shave them. Can anyone else’s Uncle Leo do that?

When Uncle Leo showed up, he was everyone’s favorite curmudgeon; everyone sat up and waited to laugh. No one would ever want to eat with him, sleep with him, or try to reason with him, but we all loved him.

And so the world has lost an icon, another symbol of what good acting and comedy really is, Uncle Leo, we hardly knew you, we miss you, and we will look for you in reruns.

Len Lesser was a fine comedic actor, and #1 son once met him out in Hollywood, and told him I was a big fan of his.

TURNING UP/DOWN THE HEAT

Recently I wrote a blogue about having trouble in bed. I even called it: “Trouble in Bed”, and I am proud of myself that I did. I mean I had the title and the story right. Anyway, someone wrote a comment: “JOE, GET THAT ELECTRIC BLANKET THAT HAS DUAL CONTROLS. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MIX THE CONTROLS UP.” It was signed – Anonymous

That comment takes me back many years ago when TLW (The Little Woman) and I went to Connecticut to visit my sister Fran. Fran graciously gave us her bedroom to sleep in that night, so we would have room for our two little children at the time, in a couple of portable cribs.

That night when we decided to retire we choose sides as to which side of the bed would be occupied by whom. TLW decided to take the left side, and because she did, I decided to think about it, and take the left side. It was a nice bed, comfortable, and had dual controls for a heating blanket, a his/hers potential for bedtime bliss.

Or so I thought!

That night, since I like the room cool, I lowered my side of the blanket with the control switch I had. TLW, who likes blankets even in August, likes things hot, (You think she married me because I’m hot?) As the night progressed, I felt like yesterday’s dinner tonight, just popped into the microwave. TLW on the other hand was looking like an ice cube tray, frozen in about 12 parts! I took the control and lowered it some more while TLW raised her some more. The more I lowered the more I heated up, the more she raised it, and the colder she stayed.

Finally after much complaining about the cold and equal complaining about the heat, a truce was established, she gave me her control, and I gave her mine! A whole night of freezing and sweating in bed, and not once thinking that we had each other’s control to make things better!

There is a lesson in all this boys and girls: stay home.

WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT

In my travels through the course of the week, Sometimes: meeting some wonderful people rewards me. The people I want to be close with are the ones I love and respect for various reasons.

TLW (The Little Woman) years ago asked me to photograph all the second grade students for her Religious Education program, and to create a poster to acknowledge the accomplishments of these little kids for receiving their first communion.

Every year, with very little time, and usually a crammed schedule, I go about the task of photographing about 20 to 26 classes of children and their teachers for the poster. I enjoy doing it; I just wish I had more time to do it. Then once in a while, there is a hitch, a child will be absent from the class and either I have to Photoshop them in, or leave them out. If I can get them in I will.

This year I went to a particular class to shoot, and the teacher a lovely woman, said she was missing one child, a little boy who would not be in the picture. Apparently he was a special needs child. I could read the disappointment, and said I would come back next week. Her eyes lit up and she thanked me.

Next week came and I felt like Douglas MacArthur, returning to the Philippines! I enter the teacher’s workroom and her eyes lit up once again. Rico was in class, and we immediately went to work.

Meeting Rico made a long day better with a sweet ending. Rico and I will be lifetime pals, and as they say in the movies, “What Rico wants, Rico gets!”

I have lost a week, but I have gained a friend and I’ll live! Let’s hope Rico lives a long time, with better days ahead. But actually, this is not about Rico, it is about his teacher. If you want to see love and compassion, look at this wonderful woman, and you will suddenly feel it. It makes me feel good that this woman is working with little children, and that she has the love in her heart to car that much.

The headline or theme of the poster is: “Let the children come unto me.”

THAT TIME OF THE YEAR

It seems wherever I go these days; some poor soul is suffering from cold or flu symptoms. I notice it to be mostly older folks, and it always seems to take forever for them to shake it off!

I yearn for the good old days, when if you caught a cold, your youth and vitality helped you fend it off, nowadays, to fight a cold off, youth is a new bottle of Jack Daniels, and it is vital to take more than one shot of it.

Of course, before I was married, my Mom was the one who would watch where I went, with whom, and what I was wearing.

“Where are you going?”

Me: “Outside, to play with my friends.”

“Dressed like that?”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

“I’ll give you what’s wrong, it’s freezing out there, and you’ll catch a cold! That’s what’s wrong.”

Me: “But Ma, I have a coat on.”

“BUTTON THAT COAT, AND WHERE ARE YOUR BOOTS AND HAT. LOOK AT YOU, ARE YOU CRAZY???”

Me: “OH MA, I’m fine.” (I didn’t want my friends to see a dork, with a hat with earflaps, gloves, boots and scarf, even if it would make me very comfortable.)

Sure as heck and we all know how sure that is, except me, I would always catch a cold!

“Nice! You went out without a buttoned coat, no hat, no gloves, and what did you get?”

Me: “A cold?”

‘YES A COLD!”

Actually, it has been scientifically proven that cold weather, even with wet feet or clothing will NOT cause a cold!

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING I’D A BAKED A CAKE

As a partner in a new found venture (See January 26, 2011 blogue), my partner and I go to great lengths to find quality vendors to service our company. That means visiting expos and shows, and even tasting foods and testing products as they become available.
Yesterday we were in Southampton visiting an establishment that caters to event planners. It is a lovely old mansion like building, very chic and on the cutting edge of high end. As we moved about viewing the different displays and speaking with the owner, he invited us to view his upper level, and so we did.

Entering this large room, spread out before us were tables covered in various styles of china, stemware and cutlery. Each table had some kind of place setting, as so we moved about, we could see napkins, displayed, and Pam even picked up a fondant covered cake (not real cake), and display orange, and picked it up, impressed by the realism of these items.

Finally, we both approached a table near an office that was occupied, and noticed that there was a place setting for 4 people. It seemed strange that they were all at the end of the table, all next to each other, except one that was at the head of the table. Then I noticed that the table had other exhibits, so it showed a beautiful place setting complete with stemware, china and cutlery. Also displayed were napkins and flowers and all that goes with fancy dining.

Pam, (Calamity Jane), decided to one more time to closely check the display. Laughing to myself, I though: “Well Pam, you are a hard lady to convince about the craft of fake food! She pokes it and moves on, a strange look on her face, and is hurriedly moving away! Curios, I move in and look at the place setting, thinking: “What did she see?”

Well folks, let me tell you, if you ever go somewhere, and it’s lunch time, and maybe there is food laid out, and it is not for you, don’t poke it. As I looked at the place setting with the food, I poked it, and it was soft, wet, and real, and worse of all, it was fish! Our fingers smelled like the Fulton fish market.

As convulsions set in, the two of us decided we should get the hell out of there, descending the elegant stairway, trying to hold in the laughing and her giggling, and trying to desperately to leave the building before we ran into the owner once again.

But of course our plans were not to be, as he stopped us, conversed and looked into our eyes, we were about to burst out laughing, knowing what we did.

MY GOOD FRIENDS!

Yes, I am indeed blessed! I have such wonderful friends, that recently I went to a lunch get-together, and was given a picture of one of my favorite people and me. The lady you see is Sister Tanj-Gerina, a former classmate from high school, now from the Sisters of Mano a Mano from the upper east side of Palermo. (See October 28, 2010 blogue)

Indeed, Sister Tanj-Gerina, is like all my high school buddies that I have resurrected a friendship with in the past year and a half, the kind you can trust, always behind you if you need a friend, and although she talks with her hands a lot, I shun a helmet.

But just by looking at the photo, you can see how mature all my friends are. Indeed, we never do anything behind each other’s back, no sireee, not a thing. It gives me a “warm fuzzy feeling” (a direct quote from one of my trustworthy friends), knowing they are all behind me.

OK, don’t think for a moment I don’t know what’s going on behind me, I’m just grateful she is holding up two fingers instead of that one!

END OF AN ERA

The phone rang on Saturday afternoon, and who was it but my older sister Tessie. (Much older)

“You ready for this?”

Me: “ What?”

“Mom is retiring from the hospital!”

Me: “What?”

“Yes, she called her friend and told her not to pick her up anymore she was finished.”

Me: “What?”




So the end of an era comes to me once again. Mom, who loved to work, who took pride in the fact that she was still active, still mobile was taking herself out of the game. Why? Because the hospital felt probably that she was becoming a liability to them, a danger to herself at 93 to traipse all over the hospital.

The hospital decided to reassign her duties that made her sit all day long, rather than be up and about. Mom didn’t volunteer to sit, but to help people, and so she thought: No, sitting is not for me.



I wonder if she will look for a job in construction, or maybe a road crew somewhere?

She has a boy toy Henry, who wisely wanted her to stop with the hospital, and she does have so many hobbies. She can sew, knit, crochette and cook, she can read enough with help of magnification, and I’m sure, like any woman worth her salt, can still yak it up.


Oh course, she can always call and correct me.

But the world will not be the same for Mom, no, without her little friends who she meets when she goes there, the luncheons for the volunteers, the pride in her pins awarded for her service, the inside conversations with the doctors and nurses, all that will end.

When we met as a family, she could proudly point to her days of ‘work’ as she called it. She loved every moment of it, and I think it helped to keep her alive. I guess there is a lesson in this for all of us: you can work to live, better than you can live to work, but no matter what you do, love what it is you do.

So now, when we do get together, I will be careful about what I say, to remind myself that she still is a valuable member of society, that there is still things she needs to give to the world, and the world needs from her. After all, she still carries that wooden spoon, which I named: “Gentle Persuasion”!

LEFT VS. RIGHT

The she/he factor.

Most people are right handed, and most people marry right-handed people! Not me, no way do I do things the easy way. No, TLW (The Little Woman) is a lefty. This has caused some minor complications in her life, as well as mine.



On the political level, she is more left, and I am more right. We do not argue politics, except for when she says: “Your man Reagan”, which is designed to question my choice of politics, and my saying: “That @&^$ Carter” which makes us even.

When it comes to eating, she has to eat on my left, so our arms do not interfere with each other. When we go to weddings or formal dinners, and are seated, she always takes the chair on my left.



School desk with armrests were not made for her, nor were some hand tools. Life is like playing baseball with a right-handed glove on your left hand if you are TLW!

Recently we purchased a new faucet, which has the lever on the side, my right side if I use it. This morning on her way out the door, TLW stood before me and announced:
“That sink is right handed!”
“What?”
“I have to reach over behind me to use the lever! It’s on the wrong side!”
“No it’s not, it is fine the way it is!
I am of the opinion that left-handed people can tend to figure things out if not better, than quicker than right-handed people.

Actually, TLW has me all figured out!

I actually feel like I married a lefty, always trying to think ahead of me. The only saving grace for me is I came from a home with four sisters, so I always needed to have my wits about me!

One thing about TLW, though is that she always leads with her left, so I think I’ll duck out and feign to my right!

THE DOCTOR IS IN

I went for my 3-month checkup with my primary care physician. As he sticks the needle in my arm he starts in.

“Something is very wrong!”

“WHAT? What’s wrong?????”

Slowly drawing the blood, he changes vials and stares at me and says:

“The last great American Institution is being sold to a foreign power.”

Me: “I hope it’s the White House.”

“No, the stock market. THE GERMANS ARE BUYING IT!”

Me: “This can’t be, they lost the war, how come they are taking over everything?”

As we march to his office for my drug prescription, he continues his tirade.

“I don’t know if you are a Democrat or Republican, but this nation is NOT going in the right direction, I’m afraid.”

Me: “Hmmm…”

“Yup, I think he’s a socialist! Obama!”

Me: Oh! What was my blood pressure?”

As he starts to print out the prescriptions, the computer is slow to respond.

“MILLIE! THIS THING IS NOT RESPONDING! Now this country has no heroes. Who are the heroes?”

Me: “Well I…”

“You have a bunch of sports figures making obscene amounts of money (without a M.D. practice no less), they are felons, druggies, rapists and bad people. Is that what the kids should look up to?”

Somehow, Madoff came to mind, but I dismissed it and decided I needed to get him back to earth.

Suddenly, his wife appears at the door, and says: “YOU PROMISED TO GET OUT OF HERE ON TIME TODAY! AND STOP TALKING POLITICS.”

Sheepishly he looks down and says “Ok.”

DELIVERANCE!

After the holdup, (The plumber came) I started to notice something strange: I was on edge and couldn’t figure out why! Then it occurred to me, the sink faucet no longer leaks! The constant moving the level to a point where it would not leak: had ended. For some reason, when the old faucet leaked, you had to move this ball mounted lever to a certain point, on the cold water side to stop the leaking, and then that point would be somewhere else the next time!

I discovered that there are many little issues just like the leaky faucet, which make me nuts. For instance, my dopey dog, who always waits for me to get comfortable in my recliner before deciding that she needs to go out. She has now taken me to a new level, one where I need to watch her, and now leash her and go with her. She has decided to climb up on the snow, and look around, sniffing and not watching, so what is wrong with that? She does this on the very edge of the pool, and started to slide the other day into the pool, causing me to shoot out and rescue her before she fell all the way in.





Then there is my car, and locking it. I park in a public area, lock my car, then wonder: did I lock it or did I just hit the open button, so I hit the lock again. Now I wonder if anyone was watching me. So I figure someone will think I just opened it not knowing I locked it, and will try to break in and cause damage, so I lock it one more time, just in case!


They say: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Don’t believe it, it is next to more cleanliness, only dryer! After a shower, I like to wipe down the windowsill, because I am afraid the window will warp since it is wood. I get out of the shower, start getting dressed and think, did I wipe down the window? Back into the shower to look, and forget later and go check once more.

Many years ago, I discovered that my kitchen ceiling light in my old house was a problem. It seems that the halo florescent bulb would not go on automatically, that you needed to motivate it! You would turn up the switch on the wall, and the bulb would flicker. We would take a broom handle and run it around the inside of the bulb, and suddenly the bulb would go on. As we were moving, we decided to replace the fixture for the new owners, and when we undid the wiring, discovered that it was wired incorrectly to begin with. Fixing it, the oddness of it working right after 7 years, felt good but strange. As I stood in the then empty kitchen, switching on and off the kitchen light, I decided I didn’t want to move anymore!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

The fact that Valentine was a religious man and a priest should not deter you from a romantic evening.

Today is Valentines Day: the day we spend money on our other half. Here’s how it happened. It all started during the heyday of the Roman Empire, which held a festival every February. Lupercian Festival was in honor of the God of Fertility (What did you expect?) and young men would get to choose their mate.

When Claudius became Emperor he changed all of that. Afraid men would refuse to fight in the army because they would not be allowed by their wives to leave the house after 6:00 pm, he outlawed all marriages. Love struck young men, in spite of Claudius’ good intentions still fell in love. Still wishing to marry they took their case to the Catholic Bishop Valentine who, still mad about the celibacy rules, and for revenge, began to secretly marry couples. Claudius found out, and had Valentine arrested and executed. While in jail, Valentine began exchanging letters with the jailer's daughter and soon had fallen in love with her. The day he was to be beheaded, (But not the first man to lose his head over a woman) he wrote to her one last note and signed it: "From Your Valentine”. (You'd think he would sign it: Love, Val?)

In 496 A.D. Christianity had taken over Rome and Pope Gelasius outlawed the pagan Lupercian Festival. Trying to win points with the local Roman beauties, because he made everybody go to church all the time, he replaced it with something more girlie and set aside a day in February to honor the martyr St. Valentine. Even though in 1969 the church removed St. Valentines Day from it's calendar of "official” holidays, because all the statues had no heads, it is still widely celebrated today.

HAPPY VALENTINE”S DAY TO TLW (The Little Woman), MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER and DAUGHTER-IN-LAW TO BE: COURTNEY (MAKE SURE HE MAKES A FUSS) AND MOM and ALL FOUR SISTERS, MY NEW BUSINESS PARTNER and ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE!

STICK ‘EM UP, IT’S THE PLUMBER!

We have been living with a leaky faucet for a little while, and I have been too busy to fix it. The other day, TLW (The Little Woman) called from the Wanna-be Bank and Truss Company to tell me to call the plumber already!

I decided to call asap, since the order came down from even higher than God! I dial the number, and I get a recorded message, telling me that the plumber will get back to me. I figure he’s out on the highway, holding someone up with his mask and revolver.

Suddenly, the phone comes alive, and who is it but the plumber himself.

“What’s wrong?”

“Leaky faucet.”

“Can I come tomorrow?”

“Can you make it in the afternoon, I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. (Another prima donna).

“I’m going skiing tomorrow, can I come now?”

Getting up off the ground, I steady myself and say: “Yes!”

Robin Hood pulls up and enters, and even my dog “Happy” (Remind me to rename her) starts to bark. Looking over the faucet, he tries to unscrew the neck of the faucet, and after numerous tries, decides I need a new faucet.

“ I can’t unscrew it, you need a new faucet!”

“Why did I know that before you even came?”

“Can I use your toilet?”

“Be my guest”, as I become suspicious he will screw something up for me to have to call him to fix it in the future.

‘Cynical’ is my middle name.

What should have been a simple fix, a charge of $2, became $450 worth of repairs, between the new faucet, a Moen no less, and his time and labor. He also used a whole roll of paper towels and asked if I had more! In spite of this, I didn’t charge him.

TROUBLE IN BED

TLW (The Little Woman) and I are having problems in bed! Yes, that’s right: problems in bed!

It seems that she claims I hog all the blankets, complaining that when she gets up in the morning, the blankets are all on my side. I know for a fact that the opposite is indeed true. Every morning I wake up with a frozen tush, ice forming around my toes, and enough shaking to dance to Jerry E. Lewis.

But accusations can come fast and cheap, you sometimes need to witness the truths you claim. My day has come!

Soundly asleep, I was suddenly awakened in the dark of night, by what I thought at first was an earthquake! Feeling the wave of tremors, I held on, thinking we have to get out of the house, and quick. By my calculations, we only had mere minutes to get downstairs and away from the shaking building!

As I turned toward TLW, I noticed she was on her stomach. I figured she was probably knocked out from the shaking, so I would carry her down the stairs and out the building. I looked to the door to be sure the path was clear, but noticed I couldn’t see the door! Then I noticed the obstruction was right in front of my Italian nose, TLW’s legs were up in the air, and she was raising them up and down in unison, at an amazing rate!

With all the power in me, I jumped on both legs to hold them down and stop the movement. ALL the blankets were on her side!

The next morning, as I groggily awoke, I came downstairs to find her sitting, well rested and reading the morning paper. Dragging my tired self into the den, I asked her if she remembered what happened that night.

Me: “Do you remember anything from last night?” (See, I told you I asked her)

TLW: Looking quizzically; “No!”

Me: “Well you were exercising in bed! You were bending your legs up and down while on your stomach!”

TLW: “I did, he-he.”

Yes, and the he-he was me-me!

UNCLE JOE AND THE ‘F’ WORD!

I stood before the gathering of the second graders in the church basement, all hyper and non attentive, as the moderator: Isabella; of the group of about 60 children and their instructors listened to her give her opening remarks to the children.

“Now before we begin class, can anyone tell me about the big “F’ word? Anybody?

My ears were not deceiving me, as I sat there incredulous, mouth gaping, not believing.

One little tyke raised his hand and said: and I thought, here it comes!!

“Forgiveness.”

“Yes” said Isabella as she explained the Gospel for the day to the kids.

“Thank God for forgiveness I thought!

As I moved about the different classes, I came to TLW, (The Little Woman), who asked me to come to her class that night to shoot a picture of the children for a poster I am making for the church. I think a camera would not do as well as a gun might, since I ran out of the place after I was done, these kids are not human, they are climbing, screeching, uncontrollable monkeys. I guess Capuchin monkeys.

Suddenly, a little girl came over to me, and started to wave this picture in front of me.

“Hi!”

“Hello!”

“You see this picture? What do you think these are in it?”

There in the picture was two little girls, her and her sister and two furry little black and white creatures.

Me; “A pussy cat?”

“You’d think. No, they are rabbits! One of them is pregnant! I’m going to be a mommy, and MY mommy is going to be a grandmother, and my grandmother is going to be a great grandmother! We are all so excited!”

Me: “Wow! Good for you, and I’m sure your grandmother is great already. Can I be the uncle?”

“SURRRE”