NOW YOU SEE HER, NOW YOU DON’T!

I had to go to a Radiologist the other day and it is an experience when you are new at it. It starts with the valet parking, I kid you not, they park your car for you and they don’t feed you. This is a little disconcerting because when you leave and give the guy your ticket, you leave with an empty stomach!  I’m used to valet parking and then a good time!

Inside they give you the customary 10 pages of forms to fill out while they have lunch and then if someday you return, they will ask you to fill it out again. Each of the ten pages has the same questions, only in a different form, this is to see if you are lying.

Then this technician comes out, introduces herself to you and you follow her into the testing area where she gives you instructions. You sit in this chair and she disappears, where soon another technician arrives and starts the questions, the same questions that are on the 10 pages you just filled out.

They want to stick some more isotopes into my system, this is to see if I will glow in the dark at night and save on electricity during the summer months.

“Now first Mr. DelBloggolo, we will examine your kidneys.”

“Will you leave them in when you do?”

“Haha, yes, if we take them out, your insurance won’t cover it and you need a higher co-pay.”

She sticks a needle into my arm and draws blood, tosses it and then draws a little more, squirts it on a small dish and takes it away. Returning she announces: “Your kidneys are in fine shape. Now, when the isotope is injected into you, your whole body will become hot, you will have a metallic taste in the roof of your mouth and you will feel like you are urinating, which you aren’t! Follow me.”

My inclination is to say NO and ask for my mommy once again: I have no shame, and WILL cry if it hurts.

I go into this big room with a funny looking machine, not unlike one at the cardiologist office, with a sliding bed and I lay down.

“Remain absolutely stiff!” I don’t need her to tell that after what she just told me I would be experiencing.

The process begins, the machine slowly moves a few inches and it makes a noise, they stick something into the port that is hanging out of my arm and I suddenly have the surge of burning sensation that runs through out my body, right down to and including the exit of my butt! (Sorry for the description being so graphic.)

When I open my eyes, it’s another technician! I want to ask how they do that, but I’m thinking maybe it’s the chemicals in my brain.

“You are free to go on your way, Mr. DelBloggolo, we are done here.

I go out, hand my ticket to the valet. He is slow taking it (a sure sign he is looking for a tip) and get in my car, hungry.