IF THE TOOTH FITS

I sat in the dentist’s waiting room, reading from my Kindle Fire, and the place was packed. It’s not like it used to be, when you went to the dentist, just one or two people waited in the room, you read a magazine and waited. Today, there are stacks of magazines, a TV blaring off the wall and a lot of retirees trying to save the last of their teeth.

As I am getting really interested in the book I’m reading, a young lady enters the waiting room with a folder in her hand.

“JOSEPH?”

I get scared.

“Joseph Deeelll Bloggiolo?”

I get up and walk over to her.

“Am I in trouble?”

“Why?”

“Well whenever I get into trouble, TLW (The Little Woman) calls me: ‘Joseph’.

“No, no, you’re not in trouble, but please behave.”

She leads me to a room for tooth capping and invites me to sit in the chair.

“Just a little off the top” I say as she places a napkin around my chest.

“The Doctor will be right in.”

Sure sweetheart, and it won’t hurt, and it is all for free, and I’m growing more hair by the minute.

Dr. Dennis Tyne enters and we shake hands. “How ya doing?” he asks.

“Not as good as you are, you’re on the other end of the needle I’m gonna get!”

“Haha-I see you haven’t lost your sense of ridicule! Good, good!”

He starts to take out his toys and makes me nervous, pulling out a needle that I imagine will dig deep into my gums, hitting my jaw bone, causing me to stand in the seat where the needle will break off, all the while I’ll be drooling, afraid to close my mouth as the doctor panics, and the needle will never, EVER be retrieved.

“Now this will pinch a little and raise you left hand when you feel discomfort.”

I raise my hand.

“No-you other left hand.”

He fills my mouth with plastic hardware and says: “We’ll just file the tooth a bit and make a temporary cap and have you out of here in no time.

Did you ever smell the smoke from a tooth of yours? It is not a pleasant smell. Especially when you see the smoke rise from your mouth! Now, wear a hearing aid or two, and the sound in your head is magnified, making it sound like any bones that may exist in your head are being pounded between your ears.

Actually I’m not afraid of the dentist: just have a fear about the needle breaking in my gums. The pinch is no big deal, but that fear lingers every time I sit down in his chair.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREATEST LACROSSE PLAYER EVER, my great nephew Stephen O’Hara, who by the way ladies: is very handsome and available. Tall and curly haired, and nicest 20-year old you will ever meet. Currently in college, I guarantee a very successful young man. Cougars need not apply.