DIRECTIONS TO THE GREAT ABYSS

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to directions, I usually need them just so I can follow them. Today I received an e mail from someone, who wants to have a “Happy hour” on Thursday nights, and asked if I was interested. I replied yes and asked about direction. Lo and behold, (what the hell does that mean?) I know where this place is.

This is a rarity, and possible I will forget how to get there by Thursday.

There are certain areas of the country that I can get lost in without effort, or consciously trying. The primary area to look for me if I’m ever missing for a few days, and I owe you money is Pennsylvania. Yes the Quakers laid out the roads to be an enigma, wrap in a riddle. Every time I go into the state, my blood pressure rises, and I become disoriented.
Other areas are Upstate New York, and my street.

Once in a great while, I go on the internet to get directions. This is almost as useful as reading the back of a peanut butter jar to get where I’m going. “When you get to the exit, take it.” Never tells me the name or number of the exit.

I have been known under coercion to stop and ask for direction. Usually, when I ask, the person will say, “Oh its easy, you can’t miss” What he is really saying is “By the look on your pathetic face, you should be incommunicado for a few hours.” When I ask for verbal directions, it is usually my undoing, and it is then that I hope I have my credit cards in good working order, in case I may have to fly home because I’m sooo lost.

Maps? Maps can be helpful, but they are usually so big, I don’t have the patience to keep them open and available, yet be able to drive while I’m reading them. The only sure way for me to get someplace with directions is with my wife Ellen. For years she’s been giving my directions, usually to “Go shit in your hat” which is why I can’t wear hats. I simply get her cooperation by tying her up and plopping her in the front seat. She may scream for a while, but after some time she comes to realize the sooner I get there, the sooner I’ll untie her.