FUNCTIONS, A DYSFUNCTIONAL PART OF MY LIFE

I have been to more functions than I care to remember. Having to attend these events cause me a lot of anguish and despair. Functions are not unlike my typing skills, in that I go through it, and look for my mistakes. There should be a spell check at functions. Recently I attended one where there were about 250 people. We all arrive and get the silly little name tags, where you write your name, then what you do. “Joseph Del Broccolo – Board Member.” It should really read “Joseph Del Broccolo – Bored Member.” Of course mine NEVER sticks to my jacket, but wouldn’t you know it, some sob has his on all through the party.

One of the challenges of functions be it a wedding, a retirement party, or some awards ceremony is the dreaded cocktail hour. First thing any sane person does when they arrive at one of these things is to head for the bar. Getting a drink helps you to cope with the small talk you will have to endure, and the fact that some hot shot 18 year –old who is 7 feet tall has just parked your car. Once you have your drink, and fume because you have to feed the kitty every time you get one is you now must stand around, to either seek out someone you may or may not like, and think about what you can talk about.

My luck is I always find someone I don’t feel comfortable with and feel obligated to talk to. Generally they are people who have a lot of money, who could buy you and the building with all the cars parked there, or they have a very high position in life where you know you just don’t want to be talking to them. The conversation usually ends with you staring to one side, and they to the other.

Now comes the waiter or waitress with the little pigs in the blanket, the scallops wrapped in bacon, or worst still, the awful baked stuffed clams. I am usually holding a drink, when this happens, now I must select something because if I don’t I will faint. I select, and now for good etiquette, I need a napkin! I am juggling the toothpick with the little morsel in one hand, and a drink in the other - one more hand for the napkin please. The waiter waits for me to drop something.

Somehow I have all the equipment I need to continue. One drink, (Jack Daniels Manhattan) one finger food, a scallop in bacon (because it is unhealthy) and one napkin, (because I am a slob, people are watching, and it’s the correct thing to hold.)

They opened up the buffet table!!!!!

Yes, they have – and what does that mean? Well you can say that it means more food, or you can say that it offers more of a chance for embarrassment. I like to say both. Because now I introduce into my act, the plate! Yes, now I have a drink, (probably my second), a napkin, a plate, and of course a fork. Plus I have a few toothpicks in my hand or pocket that I will probably forget about until the next function. As I try to balance everything and take a bite, the whole place stops what they are doing, and watches me to see how much I will spill on my tie, my jacket, my shirt, and how much I will leave on my chin. If the little woman is not with me, her sensors have gone up, because of the scallops with bacon or whatever is on my plate that I’m not suppose to eat. Oh, by the way, if you are eating broccoli with tomatoes or cucumbers with some other healthiness on your plate, please go eat it in the corner somewhere, so I don’t feel guilty.