IF I LOOK LIKE A BUM…

Then I’ve flown lately! It seems every time I go to the airport to fly somewhere, I find a reason to hate it. Recently I flew to Albany for a convention, and took Southwest Airlines. I hate Southwest Airlines. They designed a boarding system that is anti-people, doesn’t save you any money, and is just as confusing as the other airlines. You have to get a boarding pass, 24 hours before take-off, and you have to print it off of the internet on their website.

What I do is stand by my computer, and at the stroke of pre-24 hours, I push the print button; my assigned place on the boarding line? W60. Yes, at the stroke of eligibility, I get a wing seat, not even in the cabin! Meanwhile all those people are ahead of me! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?

I arrive at the airport and put all my stuff in my jacket. Change, wallet, keys cell phone, everything goes into the jacket. The jacket goes through the conveyor along with me, without a hitch. What’s wrong? My carry on luggage has drawn attention. As I watch, fresh from my triumph, they grab my bag, and open it! Homeland security has detected a danger to the homeland! I am now under scrutiny.

You must be wondering what that bomb toting SOB is carrying in his luggage that got the good people from Homeland Security all in a tizzy, why they are scrambling fighter jets now, and the Marines are entering the terminal? Well, I’ll tell you.

Shaving cream! A whole can of ‘shaving cream!’ Yes, I was plotting to shave somebody while I flew across the land! I am a despicable terrorist! They immediately seize my toiletry, and confiscated it will do no harm to the good ole US of A! I had an oversized can of shaving cream!

OK, I start the process of getting on line between the assigned poles, and listen to the third grade teacher with the microphone tell me what I better do. Words like: “Only” “One at a time” and “DO NOT” came from the man’s mouth. People look at me suspiciously, thinking or wondering: “Does this guy really belong in front of me?”

On the flight home, I strike up a conversation on the boarding line with a lovely woman, who has a slower response rate on her computer than even I do. We talk, and suddenly, the thought police come and pull her out of the line! They frisk her and toss her back like an undersized striped bass, landing at my feet. She tries to regain her dignity, composure and spot in the line, which with my help she does. We pretend like: nothing unusual, this happens at the checkout counter in the supermarket, and on countless bank lines all the time.

I feel wild and rebellious, so I let her ahead of me into the cabin, whispering: “I think we are breaking the law!” Heading down the aisle, waiting for people to wrestle their luggage while claiming a seat, there sits this guy who catches my eye. As I get closer, he smiles at me and says: “Hi!” I, being a known terrorist now, but cleanly shaven, respond in kind. “Hi” I say in English. “Aren’t you Dominick?” he says. “No” I respond, but if you DO see Dominick, tell him what a handsome guy he is, and how well shaven in spite of this ^$%#%$@ed airline.”

Now, sit back and click on the movie, my pal Jan from PCH sent me.