ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER SLIDES

The boxes stood outside, leaning against my den wall. Having purchased things that are very heavy take time to assemble and are complicated to some degree, I hoped to leave the boxes outside, and die before TLW (The Little Woman) would ask me to get busy.

In the boxes were the two sections or heavy sliding doors, which needed to be assembled, once I took down the old sliding patio doors. These new doors were our pride and joy, and the old ones were 14 years old, having been put through the mill between the dog going out constantly and #2 Son who smokes outside.

Knowing full well what lie awaiting me, once I took those doors out of the boxes, I would be committed to work a long and hard day, and then be committed to Belleview for some evaluation.

Then a great idea occurred to me. Let’s all go away on vacation! Nah TLW would not go for that idea with the old doors still standing. Maybe if I had a gastro-intestinal malfunction? Yes, that’s the ticket, “Too sick to do anything Toots!” Again I had to kill that idea: it was getting close to lunchtime. Then something startling and unpredictable occurred! I decided to put them up! Yes, and feeding this insanity, I went over to the old doors and studied the composition of assemblage, so as to transfer this highly sophisticated knowledge to the new doors!

Checking my plan I looked for what tools I would bring to this endeavor, this workshop on craftsmanship, this showcase of workshop expertise. I would need a screwdriver, a drill and my head examined for starting this.

Taking down the old doors, I was able to plan how to install the new ones. Separating the screws from each other, maintaining a tight work ethic, the old doors came down, saving the hardware. It is at this time that TLW stepped forward. Yes, my old nemesis, TLW would tell me how to do it, after careful study and planning on my part!

“I think this end is the top and that end is the bottom!”
Me: “No, this end is the top, and that end is the bottom.”
“Are you sure?”
Me: “Only to the point of death” (Which I hoped was soon upon me at this point.)
“Let’s look at the old door, it will only take a minute.”
Me: “We can’t, I wore it out looking at it already.”
“Now, this is the outside… so that means… umm, maybe it’s…. Yup, you are right Joe!”
Me: “Oh good! That means a complete moron is NOT working here today!”
“I would wait until you are done before making any declarations! Remember that year you got #1 Son a bike for Christmas, and you couldn’t figure it out, and YOU told him that Santa thought he asked for a unicycle?”
Me: “Don’t bring up that old saw, I had just gotten home from Mom’s Christmas Eve dinner, I was very tired. (The wine flowed)

But things were working! The old doors came cleanly and the new ones went in place, the hardware was fitting and everything was almost done. I assemble the lock latch, and it doesn’t fit exactly. The new door had a dimension slightly thinner! There was a slight looseness to the thing.

My whole day was ruined!