LET”S DIG!

Well, my tooth was indeed bothering me. I couldn’t bite down, and it seemed that everyone had to touch it, push it so it hurt even more, the dental assistant, the dentist and then the dental surgeon!

Going to the dentist with the expectation that he could eliminate my pain, he some how, instead informed me that the tooth must come out!

“OK, let’s do it!”

Dentist: “Ok, I’ll go make a phone call.”

Now why would he make a phone call when I am in the Sachem Dental Group headquarters of all that looks porcelain?

Dentist: “We are sending you to a dental surgeon, a really nice guy! Our dental surgeon is off today.”

I go to the front desk and they give me papers and an x-ray of my tooth to take to an address I have no idea where it is, and off I go. Luckily, my GPS, that mechanical or electronic nemesis of TLW (The Little Woman) is in my car. The GPS has a woman’s voice and tells me where to go. TLW feels she should be the only women’s voice to tell me where to go.

I arrive and I hear those dreaded words: “Are you a patient of the doctor?”

“No”

“Fill this out, both sides.”

I look at the 50 questions and think: “I have a 5:30 business appointment/dinner, it is 4:00 pm now, how the hell am I gonna make it out to Westhampton Beach in time?”

I fill out all 5,000 questions, including my mother’s second cousin twice removed current body temperature.

I hand in the papers and finally am called.

I walk to my execution and sit in the chair. I ask for a shave and get a grunt. This is not looking good. The dental surgeon looks in my mouth, gives the tooth a running shove and proclaims as I hit the ceiling: “Yup, that has to come out alright!”

Surgeon: “Who sent you?”

“Dr. Mazolla”
Surgeon: “Oh, I know him, he was my dentist when I was a little kid!”

“But he looks so young!”

Surgeon: “You should really be making nice to me, you know, I have the tools!

“He-he, of course, I was only kidding, I’m 65, everyone looks young to me!”

He gives me a needle or two in the roof of my mouth and the gums.

I sit fuming and looking at my watch.

The dental assistant comes out with another long list of things to check and sign off on.

“Please read carefully and initial each item, them sign the back when you are done.”

The questions are simple to understand, it is a fact that I needed a change of underwear after initialing them all! For instance:

1.) I understand that broken bones or teeth are possible during the procedure.
2.) I understand that my jaw could be permanently opened from the procedure.
3.) I understand that other teeth may be broken or lost in the procedure.
4.) I understand that my mouth could be permanently stretched from the procedure.

These are the confidence builders I am reading, and starting to shake over as I initial over 20 items!

Finally, the surgeon comes in.

“You ready Joseph?” (I hate when they call me Joseph before a procedure!)

“This should go easy enough, once we pull it, you are done.

Easy enough it wasn’t.

By now my gum is numb, and the doctor is in my mouth, and I can feel tooth fragments fly against my other teeth, I can feel this 6’ 5” 235 pounder pushing up into my gum, and I can feel him breaking the tooth: and constantly going back, meanwhile assuring me: “One more time.”

Finally the procedure is over.

“No smoking, spiting, brushing your teeth, sipping from a straw, eat soft mushy foods and keep the gauze on until the bleeding stops, and if there is severe pain, go to the nearest emergency room for help. And come back next week.

“Oxyyrytgfkufsfta”

Surgeon: “Wait about an hour before you do.”