DO I STICK OUT MY CHEST TOO MUCH?

The phone rang disturbing me from my deep concentration of a Notre Dame football game, and the caller ID was saying it was from the Brookhaven Memorial Hospital. (They are funny that way, remembering everyone who died there!)

I pick up the phone (Remember when you said ‘receiver’?)

“Ello?”

A recording goes into a spiel.

“This is Brookhaven Memorial Hospital calling to remind you that you have an appointment for a mammography at 10:AM on Monday, October 8, 2012. Please do not take…_” there were a whole bunch of instructions that followed and I wrote down when I suddenly realized there was something wrong here!

I hadn’t made an appointment for Monday other than the eye doctor, who was keeping an eye on my eyesight, and secondly, I have NEVER had problems with my mammas before!

Suddenly it occurred to me that my 94 year-old mother talked about some kind of appointment about that a little while ago.

“If you cannot meet the scheduled appointment, please call back to arrange a new one with our scheduling department at: (phone number) Thank you!”

I call the number and get another recorded response to “press uno para Englise y dose para Espanol.”

I press uno and get another request by a female robot to press for the scheduling department. They are not home until normal business hours of 9 to 5 Monday thru Friday.

“Hello? Listen, you guys are trying to test me for a mammogram. I’ve never had one before although I’ve had a telegram once, an audiogram and even a graham cracker, but never a mammogram! I think you want my mother, really. Call her during normal business hours 9 AM to 5 PM Monday through Friday.” I leave her phone number and hang up.

I call Mom.

“Hello Joseph.” We are on formal terms.

She has caller ID too.

“Hi Ma, how you feeling?”

“I’m feeling just fine, what do you want, you’re NOT moving back so go make up with Ellen”

“Ma, I’ll see you Monday when I go for my mammogram!”

“Did Ellen leave you alone with the phone again? How many times did I tell you NOT to play with the phone when no one is home?”

“No Ma, the hospital called me instead of you today about a mammogram.”

“Me! I don’t have an appointment for a mammogram!”

Just then TLW (The Little Woman” walks in listening to my conversation with a strange look on her face. (The same look she had on our honeymoon.)

“Oh! OK Mom, then I wonder what this is all about?”

TLW: “What’s going on?”

“Oh, those morons at the hospital were trying to schedule a mammogram for me on Monday!”

“THAT WAS FOR ME!”

“OOPS!”