The hematologist came by and we discussed the fact that the pathologist report was not ready yet but that it looks like it might have spread. He asked if I would agree to chemotherapy for the future. I asked my usual questions about the pain factor involved and where or what was left and how that would impact the treatment of chemotherapy.
One of the biggest questions on my mind is how will all this leave Ellen? Will, it caused a lot of suffering or pain that reduces further he life as it already is? Will she ever be the same? Will the disease leave her totally incapacitated and shorten an already short life expectancy?
One of the horrors I have lived through was the death of one of my children way back in 1981, and the emptiness that dwells in my heart for him all these past years. After spending almost 47 years of trying to keep my daughter alive, keeping her safe and happy, advocating for her and fighting her battles, is there any room for more of this sadness and sense of despair?
Sitting in the hospital room with Ellen, I see a lot of women her age attending patients and wonder if she might have been one to help rather than one who is receiving help. I know her life is unproductive in the sense that she has no trade and never will, nor will she ever reach the high plateau of motherhood.
So, what is the point of all this and what was the point all these past years? We can for selfish reasons fight to keep her alive because I think the point is I love my daughter, want her near me and wish only that life improve for her, in spite of a life that does nothing for anyone else except her family.
As always, again my family is being tested to the point of uncertainty and on the brink of despair, pain seeping into the core of our beings, wreaking havoc on our hearts and minds.
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