FAMILY SECRETS

Every family has some secret that they buried. We work very hard not to reveal it, and sometimes we try our darned to deny it when it is discovered. Take TLW (The Little Woman), here family for years hid the fact from me that they were not well off! For years I looked forward to a big dowery, one that could afford me to retire in the style I deserve, but lo and behold (What does that mean?) I got screwed! I remember when it all began. I was walking down this side street off of Union Avenue in East Islip, going toward Montauk Highway, looking for a garage to purchase some gas. Running out of gas is inconvenient, and I was very upset. Suddenly, this little Irishman stuck his head out his front door.

LIMSHHOHFD: (Little Irishman Sticking His Head Out His Front Door): Psssst! You there: laddie.

“Me?”

LIMSHHOHFD: “You be thinking I’m talking to meself?”

“Well, I…”

LIMSHHOHFD: “You know the man that marries me daughter, Ellen Kathleen, or whatever, gets a real prize!”

“Really, can I see it?”

Of course it was just hard sell.

Well, it turns out I have a twin sister, Josephine. Josephine is not the dating kind: God knows we tried to get her to. Dad would never let my other sisters meet her because they would be jealous of her looks. Josephine was saving herself for Mr. Right, so she still waits. At 65 years of age, I try to get her to come out of her shell and date, but rightfully so, she fears a large stampede of both married and unmarried men in her direction, and you can plainly see why.

Where this is going I don’t know, but I did think you would like to know I have a twin sister. Unmarried and still available! Whatever.

A GIFT OF LOVE

I have been fortunate in my years past to get all kinds of letters of appreciation, awards and recognition. It is kind of nice to get those kinds of things, but what I got recently in the mail will forever top them all.



If you read my blog on September 19th, I wrote about my best friend Phil, and our friendship together for over 45 years! In those years we grew as boys into men and lived our lives. Yesterday, I received a gift in the mail from Phil. It is something special for me, since I am a sentimental old fool anyway, and this kind of caps my life. At my age, to get this kind of sentiment from my old friend is a reward! It is a trophy, a recognition that goes to the center of my awards shelf, or trophy case, but clearly in the middle of my heart and soul. It is the highlight of my life in terms of people outside of my immediate family. That is not to say that Phil is not in my immediate family. After 65 years, to get this recognition is overwhelming.

The day I wrote the Blog, Phil called me to alert me that a package was coming, he hadn’t read the blog yet!

In the package I received was a photo album that has been put together for over 45 years. It is the story of our friendship. Someone has taken the time to say: Yes, you are my friend, and here is proof of its value to me.

It is very humbling to say the least, and most of all it is what anyone would want in the grey years of his life! I pity anyone who doesn’t have Phil as their friend.

MAD MEN

Sometimes you see a TV show and know it is entertainment, and sometimes you see real life, your life, all over again. I’m talking about the TV series Mad Men, which depicts Madison Avenue in the late 60’s or early 70’s! It is in many cases real life true to the core life in the advertising world, as I knew it.

Some of it is excessive, the drinking wasn’t that often, but it was there. Everybody lit up; affairs were going on in the broom closets and under the desks just like they are in the show. I was a young cub designer then, learning my craft, and the business of advertising. It seemed people were constantly selling sometimes, and usually it was themselves, both creatively and physically.

I recall one vice president, a brother-in-law of the owner of the company, asleep at his desk after lunch, an empty vodka glass drained moments before. This was after a 3 or 4-hour lunch, mostly liquid!

There was an innocence connected to it all, in spite of the goings on that occurred. The young people like myself were too busy trying to make an impression, learn and deal with this aggressive and exciting world. Making a presentation for the first time was scary, speaking before a room filled with seasoned pros was heart stopping, especially as you gauged their reaction to what you just presented. I was often awed and overcome by meeting people like the Postmaster General of the US, or Alexis Smith, or Ava Gabor!

It was the best of times professionally, people expected you to make mistakes, and if you didn’t, you weren’t learning and taking chances. Those are two ingredients one needs too succeed in that business.

Of course lunch was very important. You had to have business lunches, they were important mainstays in the finally deal, or the promise of more challenges from a client. Working with the big names in American industry floored me. Here I was a kid from a small town on Long Island working high up in a corner office, sitting over looking all of Manhattan, doing something I love, and being paid for it! Then going to lunch and watching and learning how to structure an agreement with American Airlines, Ford, the Postal Service, or Lufthansa Airlines! Fancy restaurants, fancy people, dressed in a suit, and thinking: “If my friends could see me now!”

ATTITUDES

I hate bad attitudes. Especially when they come from people that should be helping me.

It seems that I have prescription problems with doctors and pharmacies. They never get it right, and I usually am without medications for a few days. This makes me wonder how good the systems are working.

I’m supposed to get a 30-day supply of each medication, and two renewals. What I get is: “Too early to renew” and “You need a doctor’s prescription for a refill.”

I pick up the phone and call the doctor’s office. I explain and get an attitude. One of impatience, and one I wouldn’t tolerate from anyone. I explain to her that I just want to straighten out my medications, and she continues her attitude! I explode, and inform her that I don’t like her attitude, her tone, and to get this situation taken care of. She responds pleasantly and says she will take care of it with the pharmacy.

The doctor’s office gets back to me and says she took care of it. I thank her very pleasantly, and go off to the pharmacy.

There he stands, behind the counter, he should be wearing a big red nose, funny hair and large shoes with big red spots on his cheeks.

Bozo: “Can I help you?” He asks me this under a sign that says ‘Pick up prescriptions here.’

“Yes, I’m here to pick up two prescriptions. Name is Del Bloggolo, Joseph”

Checking his computer he tells me they were ready days ago.

“Why didn’t you give me these days ago, then?

Bozo: “Oh, the computer must have been down!”

“I’m here to pick up #2 Son’s prescription, also.”

Bozo: “Sorry, the computer says you can’t have it!”

I start to fume. “Waddayamean I can’t have it?”

Turning the screen towards me he says: “See, if you want it you have to pay cash, the insurance company won’t pay for it until it is time.”

“When is time?”

Bozo: “Today! It will be ready in an hour.”

THE MARRIED MAN RETURNS!

The routine will be similar, except now he has to watch the clock, and if she calls he is bound by marriage to answer the phone. If she wants him home immediately, if not sooner, he gets on his horse and rides out.
The vows are completed, the dancing and celebrating, and the honeymoon is over. The boy (The macaroni man) is now a man, and like all of us married men, has surrendered his manhood to doing the dishes and cleaning up! So, he seeks a heaven from the chores and duty of marriage, and returns once again, to torturing himself by watching the Mets and Jets with another tortured individual, me!
But while he is watching the game, we will commiserate as to why they stink (Take your pick) and why they should all be fired and shipped out to the minors or a semi-pro team. Before the game even starts, the sense of doom will prevail, with tears at the cusps of our eyelids.





TLW (The Little Woman) will shake her head in wonderment that two grown men would follow such losers, and the old guy in particular should know by now! The lives we have ruined are not only our own, but our offspring, and future generations to come.

Therapy is an option, but we keep hoping against hope, that things will someday turn around, that there will be interest in October, because the Mets are in the playoffs, and the Jets are winning, not losing already.

TLW has counted all my medications, knows how many pills should be in the bottle at a certain date, and if any are missing, that I am attempting to kill myself with over dosage!

But he will have dinner with us, cry with me, and so it will go for another year.

J-E-T-S suck suck suck!

Let’s go Mets, far away already!

TAKING THINGS OUT OF CONTEXT

It is amazing how we look at things with a bias! I for one when I make up my mind, tend to stick with how I feel. It usually takes a lot to change my mind, and I think most people feel the same way.

There is a pretty good show on TV about a school of music, and how the kids interact with one another, and a good deal is with the young people performing, singing and dancing, and some really great acting!

The music, if I heard it on the radio, would turn me off, yet watching these kids perform, taking the “Worst” music in my opinion, and putting it into their genre, leaves me enthralled. I guess I always liked singing and dancing, to hear a piece of music put to dance, is an art that fascinates me, gives me great pleasure, and leaves me happy for a long time. I suspect that is why #2 Son is always giving me a song and dance when I ask questions. ONLY KIDDING, MIKE!

I know this show is not for everyone, but if you enjoy performances, with great dancing and interesting interpretations of today’s so-called music, then try it once, just to see what I mean. There is an awful lot of talent out there, good talent, that should make you very happy.

IT HURTS

It really does! I was looking at an old TV show and the people on it were the usual cast of characters that populated the daytime and nighttime TV shows of the 1960’s. They were the main stays that filled the roles that completed the TV shows, making them possible. They weren’t stars in themselves, you didn’t know their names, but they were recognizable.

It made me realize, I am getting old! These people are no longer alive, and if by chance they are, too old to even move!

I remember when a ’57 Chevy was commonplace, when I worried about my hair comb or my looks, or was in secret love with a classmate or two. (Girls)

My biggest fears were that I would embarrass myself, or worse yet, my folks would embarrass me. I tried to stay away from my parents, especially when girls were around. I recall dating as a big production, filled with anticipation and expectations. It was a special time, the girls smelled pretty, and the times were great. A movie house was a special place where my arm fell asleep over the back of the girls chair, and when I relaxed it, it rose on its own, straight up in the air! After that embarrassment, it was off to DiDonato’s and pizza with a coke.

Now I look at things and say: “Who cares?” Did marriage do that to me, or was it old age? Did I lose my sense of excitement? All I know now is that everything hurts. Every time I get up from a chair, it hurts! I go to t a movie, she pays for it, and I don’t care. It comes from the same pot, and I don’t plan on impressing her. But the thought hurts, it makes me realize, the times have changed. I no longer have anyone to impress or make a fuss over. I realize she thinks the same way as I do. It hurts.

So, times have changed, all the fuss is over, throw away the combs, cologne, and fancy clothes, now I only want to be comfortable! But it hurts!

MEDIA BLITZ

The locust are coming, the locust are coming!

That is what it sounds like on the TV lately, whenever there is a hint of sprinkles in the weather. Get one overcast day, and the crawl comes alive with impending doom!


When hurricane Earl was nearby, about 1,000 miles out to sea, we started getting messages from the weather centers, those phony channel weathermen, and women, trying to get the public excited, and they having some real news to report. Let’s face it, the TV stations have news programs that try to compete with the internet, and are about a day behind, except when it comes to the weather! Then they can compete because of radar. Doppler radar enables the TV stations to give up-to-the-minute tracking of a current event.
It so happened that TLW (The Little Woman) and I had planned a vacation at the time hurricane Earl was supposed to arrive. Being a veteran of watching these weather stations, I know that they will make a mountain, mostly the Alps out of an anthill. The dramatic interruption of a TV show, sometimes a crawl in red running along the bottom of the screen, “Live from the weather center” it goes, all playing on people’s fears. Very rarely does a weather event warrant the excitement the TV stations try to project, and decided I was driving away, because there were too many uncertainties in the reports. The internet and the weather channel seemed to hold off on the doom and gloom, it was the network TV channels that were creating the false excitement. Sure enough, my instincts were correct, we got a few sprinkles on the Garden State Parkway, and nothing else occurred!

I think that Network TV should do away with their so-called newsrooms, and instead put on old movies, or reruns of Gilligan’s Island before they waste their income on non-events and try to compete with the internet for giving us news. Internet news is instantaneous, network news needs a good few hours to produce. The only ones worse than the Networks are the newspapers, their news is generally almost two days old!

SO WHAT HAPPENED?!

December 6, 2009 was the last I heard. #1 Son, my third strongest critic, TLW (The Little Woman) is #1 critic and #2 Son keeps his moniker as #2 critic as well. What I refer to is http://sonofdelbloggolo.blogspot.com/ or, Son of DelBloggolo, that pointed critique of DelBloggolo, this blogue, that dissected my opines of wisdom and truth, after every blog.

Suddenly it is silenced! What happened? I miss the cannoli ratings; I was watching what I wrote to keep my weight down, and now, no reviews, no comments, and no cannolis! Maybe the youngster can’t keep up with his old man everyday! Good God! Surely he can keep up with me, he has to, he owes it to the world to keep them abreast of what I write, as he once said: “My Dad has a blog. This forum will be a safe haven to dissect, discuss and analyze each of his blog entries. I will be reviewing each post based on the following merits: Originality, Sentimentality, Nostalgia, and number of Food References.”

I feel I let the whipper - snapper down, like he’s lost interest in my life, no matter how trivial it is. Ah, I know, it is his newfound love, his new interest, and his new passion: TLC (The Lovely Courtney). Well when I was in his shoes, I lost interest in everything too. That plus I didn’t care for his style shoes!

Maybe it was too easy to find faults, or maybe I have become too boring! Maybe I need to add sex to my blogues, you know, just to spice it up a little. I could write about the mating habits of salmon, or bears. Nothing too titillating, but it is something to keep my readership tuned in every day.

So to #1 Son I say: “TAPT (Touch A Palm Tree), and where are those cannolis?”

Author’s note: TAPT is code for “Enjoy California and all you do.”

MEN, PLEASE READ CARFULLY!

My brother-in-law Tom sent me this bit of information. I think it is wise if all you men read it carefully.

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

MINI VACATIONS

TLW (The Little Woman) and I are planning a mini vacation. We are thinking of going to Chicago, and just visiting a few sites, eat a good steak dinner under the el, and get some of that Chicago deep-dish pizza.

I haven’t been to Chicago in a while, and when I do go, it is always on business. This time I plan to just enjoy the city, sights, sounds and smells. Planning with TLW is an interesting experience. I remember our first planned trip, and that was our honeymoon to Europe. Planes, destination cities, hotels and special reservations were all planned in a small book we each had. The invasion of Normandy in 1944 was less complicated, and less successfully executed than what TLW planned!

Every morning we would meet on the LIRR on our way to work, and plan things such as weddings and honeymoons, and I have to say, if TLW is involved in the planning, it goes without a hitch. This time around we have a computer to measure our plans in a more efficient way.

TLW: “OK Joe, I’m going to look up a hotel. Where do you want to stay?”

“In the city itself.”

TLW: “Good, I don’t want to stay near the airport.”

“We don’t need a car, so let’s use the savings there for a upgrade from flea-bag to roachless hotel.”

TLW: “OK, here is a hotel, it has four and a half roaches, comes with a fly swatter and a pointy toed slipper for roaches in the corners!”

“Wow! You get a lot of amenities in a four and a half roach hotel! Book it!”

TLW: “Now, we still have to book our flight. Maybe we should book our flight first? Where do you want to fly out of?”

“LI Mac Arthur would be convenient.”

TLW: “Maybe you should call your sister and ask about her buddy pass?”

“I’m afraid to.”

TLW: “WHY?”

“She may make it complicated, maybe we have to do something to get the flight out, like fly on a wing, or use separate planes.”

TLW: “Don’t be silly, if she is nice enough to offer us it, then I think you should take her up on it.”

“OK”

I pick up the phone and call.

Sister MaryAnn, #3 Sister answers on the first ring.

#3 “HELLO?”

“Hi, it’s me!”

“Joe? Oh, high, what’s up?”

We are going to Chicago soon, and wanted to know about the buddy pass you get for being a flight attendant.”

#3 “Oh, no problem! You can stay at my house too!”

“No, I like to stay at my own place, don’t like to intrude on people, kinda like to walk around in my skivvies so to speak.”

#3 “No, No! I’ll probably be away anyway: you can stay at my place. Don’t be silly”

“No, I need the rest and peace and quiet if you are home those days. Between you and TLW, I’ll never get out of the house, and never will get a word in edge-wise! Which airline do I fly?”

#3 “VERY FUNNY, You fly Untried Airlines, the pilots need the practice landing. But if you want to NOT be bumped off a flight, especially in mid-air, I suggest you leave at 12:01 AM.”

“Do I fly out of LI Mac Arthur?”

#3 “No, you have to fly from LaGuardia. Then if you get bumped, there’s another flight an hour later, hour after hour. You can get bumped off, all day, on the hour! That’s a lot of flights to Chicago!”

“Gee, that IS convenient, wait only an hour to get bumped off the flight, rather than a long wait between flights!”

And so, our plans are set, less confusingly than I anticipated!

MFF TIES THE KNOT!

I’ve been saving this blog for when I thought MFF (My Favorite Fan) would return from her honeymoon. I would think by now she has. By the way, she didn’t go on her honeymoon alone, she took a really handsome gentleman by the name of Justin with her! I’m sorry all you bone heads out there that missed your opportunity to marry a wonderful gal: she is now taken!

Laura was my encouragement to write this blogue, my motivation to continue. I felt that if a smart gal like her could want to read it, then it must be worthwhile. I first met Laura (MFF) way back in 2007, on a visit to Sunny California and #1 Son. She was a gem back then, then I saw her once more in April of this year in California, and she got better with age! SHE was my first fan, and I never forgot that!

I met Justin at the same time, and I was very happy for MFF for picking out such a wonderful individual, someone worthy of her. They are two people who will give marriage a good example of what it should be.

They had their wedding in the Chicago area, in a restored barn, from what #1 Son tells me. When #1 Son said he had a friend who read my blog, who turned out to be MFF, and one of the Fab Five, I became intrigued. #1 Son doesn’t pick his friends carelessly, as every one of them are great people that TLW (The Little Woman) and I love. Some he first met at his jobs, and some from childhood, and some from California. ALL of them are quality people!

But MFF, along with my future daughter-in-law, TLC (The Lovely Courtney) are now my adopted daughters through love alone.

CONGRATULATIONS MFF AND JUSTIN!

I hope your lives will be filled with happiness, love for each other, and wealth in all forms and shapes. I know you two will be a shinning example of love in marriage!

WE JUST KEEP GROWING!

It seems like just last year we celebrated the arrival of Al Schneider, now we greet Ryan Dzicek! Ryan joined the firm of DelBroccolo and Tria, the Dzicek branch, on July 27th, 2010! His Dad is my handsome nephew Marc, and his lovely mom is Nicole.

Now I recall when Marc was a toddler, that being last year, and now here we are with Marc’s son, a year later! Where does the time go? It goes to the younger generation, that’s where. From what I’m hearing, little Ryan is half Sicilian, half Polish-Italian, and 100 % handsome. Now Italians don’t count Sicilians as Italians, or Sicily as part of Italy. They treat Sicily as the US treats Puerto Rico, a small island off the coast. This does not preclude Sicilians as it does not preclude Puerto Ricans from paying taxes to the mainland.

In actuality, the Italian-Sicilian thing has been going on for years. We kid each other, but if you went to Sicily or Italy, it is the same thing: warm friendly people who feed you! Both places have unimagined beauty and coasts, with countless ruins and treasures, and you find all that in their basements!

But getting back to Ryan Mathew, once again I wish my Dad could be here to witness it, he would be so proud of Marc, Fran and Tom his grandparents, and his own Mom for coming her so many years ago and starting the whole thing up, as a fifteen year old immigrant!

Welcome Ryan, please join Al in the future as we wait for more of you to appear!

CONGRATULATIONS NICOLE AND MARC FOR A JOB WELL DONE!

ONE THING CONSTANT

I like things in my life to be somewhat ordered. They should be somewhat predictable, within reason and on occasion, exciting.

Many years ago, about 45 this past January, I entered a design class at the New York Institute of Technology one day, and walked out with a best friend for life! I was a young college student with aspirations, and dreams, which were filled with some uncertainty. I was focused, determined to get a college education, to graduate with a degree, and be the first male in my family to do so. That dream expanded into a job on Madison Avenue as a “Commercial artists”, and maybe someday marrying someone and settling down with a house and family.

The odds were great that I would not make it, and the sense of doom followed my determination. I Had no car, and very little money. Dad could not pay for my education, he could barely feed us, and there was the persistent problem of a hearing loss, which was always under consideration. I would get up at 4:00 every morning, jump on a train and go to Massapequa, where I grabbed a bus to take me to Syosset and a long trek to the college which was located in an old medical arts building, while my school was being renovated in Old Westbury. Everyday was a living nightmare! “How long would I do this?” I thought.
Then that faith filled day I met my best friend, one that stayed with me the rest of my life, one who became my brother. He gave me rides at first, as we paled around, and soon my seriousness was disappearing, I was laughing more, enjoying my life, and making it more pleasant for those around me to enjoy their lives, too.

My buddy, Phil, became a part of my family, and cog in the workings of my personal life, and a positive no matter what happened. He and I shared much, many long roads, some happy times, and some bad ones, too. His Mom died while he was in college, and I learned about the Jewish faith, and understood more about honoring the dead. When my son died, he learned my side of the equations, as a Catholic. When he married, I was his best man, when I married, he was mine, naturally. When I stood on the altar for communion, Phil a Jew stood with me, and when the priest came over to Phil, his mouth dropped in shock, and the Priest, forgetting he was Jewish, slipped him a host!


Over the years we stayed in touch, when he moved to Florida for a while, and when he returned to live again in NY. He remarried and had three additional children, and one from his first marriage. Then tragedy struck and his daughter from his first marriage, my godchild, was stricken with cancer, and he called me one night as he sat at her bedside while she was dying. I jumped on a plane and flew down to Tampa, rented a car and stayed with him through the ordeal. I had to be with him.

He was not only: my best man, best friend, but also my daughter’s god father. We are very close. There is nothing he could want if I have it.

Recently he paid me a visit with his lovely wife Linda. She is a wonderful wife and mother, and has helped Phil live a good life, behind him every inch of his way. As we visited, he got up at one point, and walked into another room, and as he did, I watched him. He was like a stranger, walking slowly, with little jabs of old age pain striking him as he walked, the grey hair prominent on his head. My good buddy is getting old! Soon we will part whether we want to or not, we can’t control that. I hope I go first, I don’t think I could live with losing my good buddy.

How sad it is to see people from your youth, from days that were filled with hope and joy, dreams and the giddiness of youth, and know they were all spent. I guess it is like a billionaire waking one morning, and realizing his fortune is spent down to nothing!

THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR!

I’m sure we’ve all had it happen to us, you go into a restaurant, and suddenly, a child starts to misbehave! Loud talking, leaving their seat and sometimes even coming up to you while you dine. It isn’t enough that you must contend with the loud overhead music, you now must deal with a screaming child! You are too far into your meal to get up and leave, so you try to deal with it. The restaurant wishes to remain neutral in the event, for fear of offending the customer involved with the kid, and tries stay in a low profile in hopes that the kid will eventually tone down, or leave.

I once was in a restaurant with #1 Son and Josh Peck, a great actor, and at a distant table a family sat with an obnoxious set of parents, and a child who literally screamed at the top of his lungs! The parents thought it was cute, and the restaurant did nothing about it.

It makes me wonder why we put up with the nonsense, and why restaurants don’t set rules.


Children should be allowed in restaurants to dine with their parents, but should not disturb people in the process. Some argue that banning unruly children would discriminate against children with emotional problems. Well, hello. We do discriminate against children with emotional problems, starting at the parental level! I have a daughter who has developmental disabilities, whenever she behaved unacceptably: we promptly paid our bill, and left, meals unfinished. Or we took the other route, which was NOT to take her to a restaurant to begin with!

There are restaurants that cater primarily to children, and encourage the noise and ruckus that comes with it. I don’t go there because I can’t behave like a child while I’m eating, so keep the kids away from me if they can’t behave. My two boys, while growing up behaved like little gentleman, in that they were children who did not interfere with others rights to dine in peace, and we should all be able to understand that.



So mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, I know your child or grandchild is the cutest kid ever to walk the face of the earth, I know it is the most beautiful to grace civilization, and surely, the smartest, but keep that brat in check in a restaurant.

Thank you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY NEPHEW DAVID HARROW, TODAY!

SHE’S GOT IT COVERED!

It was the middle of the night, as I lay there, worried that TLW (The Little Woman) would not be warm enough, when suddenly I found myself spinning uncontrollably in my spot! Standing off to the side of the bed she stood, both hands on the blanket as she yanked, causing my spinning.

Me, in my sleep, or half awake: “Hey, you took all the blankets!”

The next morning we stood face-to-face in the kitchen, beneath the rising sun. We had only just begun when: raising her index finger, she said:

“Are you going upstairs now?”

“Yes, why?”

“Because I want YOU to look at the bed.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t huh me, look at where all the blankets are!”

“The blankets?”

“Yes, you took all the blankets last night and yelled that I was taking them all back, when I tried to cover myself!”

“Ah, you must be mistaken, I don’t yell, and I don’t remember that event happening. Are you sure you weren’t dreaming? You know you do that a lot. Especially lately, since you switched bagel brands.”

“Don’t give me that! I was laying there half naked last night because you had all the blankets.”

“If you were half naked, why didn’t you call me? You know the routine: “Yoo Hoo, I am calling YOO HOO!”

I went upstairs for my shower when I decided to look at the bed. It was an obvious set-up, as she probably pulled all the blankets over to my side! I mean, if she said she took them back, why are they all over on my side? I’ll tell you why, because SHE took all the blankets, and I had to yank them back, half naked, in the middle of the night!

Stay away from those bagels you buy in the supermarket, get them fresh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL NIECE, LAURI

I’M A SCHMUCK

Just ask TLW (The Little Woman).

Our dinner conversations usually center on our day. TLW likes to relate stories from the Wanna-Be Bank and Truss Company, and often to make them interesting will substitute real names with made up ones to add spice.

Ferinstance: TLW was relating how people scam the different credit unions, to make a buck.



TLW: “Lets say you… Joe Schmuck, want to transfer funds from one bank in NY to one in Florida.”

“Me?”

TLW: “And to do it you call the Wanna-be Bank and Truss Company and give them the name Joe Schmuck, and then the bank.”

“Me?”

TLW: “You say: I want to transfer X amount of dollars to the Florida Bank, into the Joe Schmuck account.”

“I do??”

Then we call their existing phone number that we have on file, and if it matches, YOU… Joe Schmuck will have the money transferred!”

“I will?”

TLW: “You’d think they would spend the brainpower helping the world!”

Of course this is all new to me. I never expected TLW would think of me like that! ME, with money? OK, A schmuck that HAS money, amazing!

ONCE YOU FALL OFF

You never forget.

On my recent mini-vacation down at Cape May, TLW, (The Little Woman) and myself, along with my brother- in-law Steverino, and my lovely sister-in-law, Sara, (TLW’s sister’s husband and brother’s wife) decided to take advantage of the most spectacular weather Cape May can offer. Under a beautiful clear blue sky, and bright shinning sun, with temperatures in the mid-70’s and a gentle ocean breeze, we decided to go rent bicycles and enjoy our selves for the day.

With a little trepidation, we selected our means of transportation, one of which transported us all back to our childhood, making us feel 12 again, and started our tour of Cape May. In fact, I was worried I had to get back home before dinner and my father would have to come looking for me! Thinking and feeling confident that I could do this again, I pushed off on the higher of the pedals just like I used to, and wobbly started my ride, scared out of my every living mind that I would hit a car, or maybe a tour bus, and at least take out a few tourists!


The first order of business was to cross the street, show no fear, and hope when I get killed, it is quick. As the front wheel refused to totally cooperate with me, I wiggled across the street, when at some point I realized I would have to stop. What to do in case of an emergency and a red light? I decided to do what any sane person like me would or should do, I would: a) fall off the bike, 2) while bleeding profusely, pretend I am fine.

It seems all the cars in Cape May are wider than regular cars I find on Long Island, as they fly down the streets of Cape May and force me to pray and curse all in the same breath! This is called multi-tasking.

As we biked across the island, taking in hidden sights and finding places I never dreamed I find myself in, we came across a lemonade stand, where we stopped. For 50 cents each, I treated everyone with a glass, the proceeds going to Jerry’s kids! Being it was the Labor Day weekend, the telethon was in full swing, and we did our small part.

Well the one thing that was most difficult was to remember to pedal backwards as I coasted to a stop, gentle applying the brakes, but when I did stop, getting my body in a dignified stance of nonchalance stature and soundless ease. Instead of my crashing into my poor sister-in-law, while going: “oooph!” while she is saying, “I’m good, I’m good!” and my apologizing for being a klutz.

There well may be no ‘next time!’

WHY, OH WHY?

TLW (The Little Woman) and I sat in the restaurant waiting for our drinks. I noticed that that morning in a diner, we tried talking and couldn’t hear each other. The people at a table behind us were talking rather loudly, and the acoustics were the problem. It was not the only problem: the piped in music was as loud as you would care to have it. Our dinner conversation was similarly drowned out by some horrific piped-in music and hearing TLW was very difficult, too! She too was having a difficult time hearing me.

Relating an experience she had in Macy’s, TLW complained that there too the music was intruding and obnoxious, and it made for an unpleasant shopping experience. We both wondered if we were getting too old or the establishment’s personnel were getting too young and doing the music thing.

What I don’t understand is why we need music-playing overhead to begin with? Can’t one enjoy the experience of dining out without trying to strain to hear over the music? What muttonhead determined we must have loud music intrude in the first place? To tell you the truth, I would rather have no music, but if they must, how about soft, low elevator music?

I don’t want to hear screaming men and women and loud bands overhead while I dine. I don’t want to strain to hear, and I certainly don’t want THAT when I’m eating. You go to parties sometimes and again, the loud music so you can’t hear yourself think. WHO NEEDS IT? If you are shopping, and need to concentrate, you want that distraction either. How many of us play music overhead while we eat at home? Oh, I know that the music is so others don’t overhear my conversation, but I don’t talk that loud for them to hear me, and they should extend the same darn courtesy.

SO ENOUGH WITH THE FRIGGEN MUSIC ALREADY!!!!!

YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!

Or so the accusation goes.

It all started when I got the order to put in a new foot lock for the patio door, and to reconnect the house alarm contact in the same door. It was a sweltering humid day, and TLW (The Little Woman) had already given me orders to connect my new phone, but to “Read the instructions, first!”

Then came the following:

“You will put in the foot lock, and then reconnect the house alarm to the same said door.” She knows where I live, so I had better get it done.

Pulling out my toolbox, I started working when she decided I needed more instructions on how to do things too. After testing my theories, checking the door for closing and adding her opinions, she finally said: “I don’t know why I argue with you, you know what you are doing!”

Feeling somewhat inflated (No fat jokes, please), I continued my assignments like a true husband. Finally things were done, and there stood only the cleanup. Bending down to start picking up things, I said: “Toots, I was going to take care of that!”
TLW: “Oh, I don’t mind, you can pick up your tools. (I got permission!) I’ll pick up the instructions, you don’t use them anyway. ”
Me: “well I always say…”
TLW: “You are just like your father! When your father did things, your mother would call you to come over and fix it because your father never read the instructions, and now you are just like him!”

Me: “But I always say if you spend time reading instructions… nothing ever gets done!”