SPEAKING OF DEATH

My Uncle Carmello and Aunt Carmelina have a daughter named Tina-Marie, who was getting married to a young fellow by the name of Vito “Fats” Scoochinelli from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.

It was Uncle Carmello’s place to pay for the wedding, and pay he did. He came home one evening later than usual to proudly proclaim that he had found and paid for a reception hall for the wedding. He told Zia Carmelina that he had to get it for three days, even though it was a one-day affair.
Aunt Carmelina became suspicious and asked the name of the place. Zio Carmello proudly announced Scarpiello’s Fun-Eral Home. He said how nice the young man dressed with his black tie and “Jacketa”, and the place was “immaculata” Just liker it says, a “Homa.” Uncle Carmello stated that he couldn’t resist the place, just by looking at the nice black shiny limos parked outside.

Aunt Carmelina went into a rage and cousin Tina started to cry. Uncle Carmello became confuse and looked into their faces for a clue. “A Whatza matter? You no liker the place?”
“No Liker, no liker, imbecile, thatsa FUNERAL HOME, no FUN-ERAL home.” screamed aunt Carmellina.

“Wella, we can’t change or getta my money back, Mr. La Morte, the owner saida NO REFUNDS.”

The wedding reception was held as planned, with guest coming from all over Brooklyn and from as far out west as New Jersey. Of course visitors from the other rooms would look on in curiosity at the wedding party, but the show when on.
Of course Mr. LaMorte, the owner was concerned because Annunziato Facebrute and Cousin Connie were shagging in the broom closet the whole time.

Not to be deterred by the “No refund policy,” they decided to lay out Uncle Carmello for the next two days so as not to waste the money. It was a very dignified occasion, with Uncle Carmello laying in the casket, in his best suit, the one he wore for the reception, and Aunt Carmellina sat in the front row dressed in black. It was two days of quiet conversations, and whenever Uncle Carmello tried to break into a conversation, Aunt Carmellina would yell, “SHUDDUPPA, OR I CLOSER THE LID!” And to add on to the indignity, Uncle Carmello would have to clean up each night, as Aunt Carmellina would tell him, “Carmello, makea sure you closer the lid, and knock ona the door to the broom closet and yella we goin homea now.”

Now that Uncle Carmello has had his funeral, when he does finally go, Aunt Carmellina will not have the expense of a funeral, and she can use the same coffin that she stored in their basement, which now rests over the oil tank next to the lawn statues. She will just have to put Uncle in it, and drop him off on her way to church.