GERIATRIC ENTITLEMENTS

Now that I have reached the age of retirement, and practice it, it is time to assess my rights as an: ‘old-timer’.

These ‘rights’, although not assayed under the constitution, are thought to be and assumed as inalienable in any court of law.

First and foremost is to say without accountability, anything we darn well please. This means in crowded movies theatres, on the road, and yes, dare I say it, to our children in public places. After all, we ARE old, who knows when we will be able to talk again!

Secondly, the right to drive, at 20 mph, with our left blinker on, and not turning, is a valid right! If we happen to be driving a Cadillac, Lincoln, or a Ford Crown Victoria, or some other wide-ass horseless carriage, get the hell out of our way. We may or may not turn left. Isn’t it better to make you prepared for that eventuality? IF we turn right, we can say with impunity: “Hah, gotcha!” So, we do drive slowly. We are only finally slowing down and enjoying the scenery after years of driving helter-skelter to Little League games, dance recitals, grandchildren’s school plays, and God knows what else they held us responsible for.

The next one is one of my favorites: the supermarket line. This right can only be invoked when there are younger people in line behind you. Counting out change, asking about a price, AFTER the item is rung up, and writing checks, searching for coupons, and getting a price check. For years we had to sit in waiting cars for hours for the little prodigy to come out of some practice, game or class, only to hear a complaint as they climb into the car, about how much we don’t care about them.

Any supermarket aisle should be our domain! We should be able to leave our heavily ladened carts parked, unattended in the middle of the aisle, so no one else can pass us by. This means it may be parked long ways, side ways, right up against the shelving, keeping someone with a handful of screaming brats from screaming near us.

Speaking of screaming brats, Holy smacking. This is a right, which should be extended to anyone over 55. You are in church, when who comes in front of you but a young mother with a screaming, climbing, obnoxious brat! There is a ‘crying room’ in the back of the house of worship, which by the way stands empty, and the young mother plops in front of you. She unloads one or two brats, and bag of Cheerios, toys and books. The kid wants none of it, wants to bother everyone, scream at the top of his lungs and just be a royal pain in the ass. Morons are all around this scene, smiling, pretending it is cute. The mother is constantly trying to placate the kid, disturbing everyone in the building. Anyone over age 55: should reach over to the mother and smack her silly. That’s right, intolerance should be sanctioned in this case, and the mother thrown out on her Cheerios pack and back-pack filled with her brat and all his/her essentials! They should then turn around and drag the smilers out by their ears!

Finally, there should be allowances for old people to fart if they like. That’s right, be allowed to let one rip! And being over 55, you are then automatically flagged by age, and if anyone wants to come near, they do so at their own peril. But to be fair to the public, after all, this should not be one-sided, there could be: “Fart-Free” zones in all public places.

Please remember my Polish brother-in-law, John, a zippy fellow by anyone’s standards, and all those that need our hopes and prayers.