IT’S INEVITABLE!

Every husband goes through it. Those magic moments when you find yourself in the midst of women in a woman’s clothing store. You follow her dutifully, hat in hand, sunglasses affixed firmly on the bridge of your nose, hoping to be incognito.

You silently follow, looking for a place to sit and wait it out, but sometimes there is no place to sit. Sometimes you have to wait it out standing behind a rack of dresses.

TLW (The Little Woman) silently checks each rack of dresses for color, price and size, not in that order. As she selects something, she looks at me and asks: “You think this will look good on me?” You freeze in your tracks. Your breathing stops and you can almost feel a heart attack coming on!

She picks up a black dress and says: “What do you think?”

“Black is the new black this year” you say earnestly. In a need to wrap things up you add: “You look good in it!”

Her: “Let me try it on then.”

You suddenly realize this means more time in the store, and want to say: “No you don’t, only fooling.” But you know you are a weasel and will not contradict yourself, in the hope of getting out soon.

Men are caddies, following their wives around the store, from rack to rack. The conversations becoming more confusing as you go from dress to dress.

Her: “It’s not dressy enough.”

Me: “But the invitation to the class reunion said business casual! Would you wear itto the Wanna-be Bank and Trust Company?”

Her: “Oh, I would never wear this to the bank, it is too dressy!”

Me: “Huh?”

Off she goes to the fitting room. You soon realize that the room is called that because once she goes in, you will start having your fit, as you watch extra large ladies in large varicose veins, muscular legs, which are squeezed tight by their tight short shorts, try to wiggle as they waddle out of the room! Husbands, wandering around the store, pocketbook in hand, and men, stand looking into the mirrors, full-length, making faces, checking eyebrows and thinking: “What will it cost me?”

She appears and you say:

“You look beautiful!”

“Do you stand in front of the mirror and practice what to say to make me feel good?”

Please remember my brother-in-law John, the golfer of Sayville (You must have heard the opera) and all those that need our hopes and prayers.