EYE-TALIAN

The following was in the form of an e-mail from a fellow ‘Eye-talian”: CORINNE CAMACHO-KUSTKA, a reader of this blogue, who opened up a whole can of Italian memories that are really ‘home-made’!

Grazie Corinne!

What great days they were. I miss my grandparents in the Bronx...and those sunday dinners were we were all crammed into the basement and no one could move before or after the meal....

This is priceless and brings back true memories for me as an Italian!!!



Subject: Eye-talian

E y e - T a l i a n

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America
they put a sticker on them that said
(To New York )
TO NY

You know you're Italian when . . . .
You can bench press 325 pounds,
Shave twice a day and still cry
when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag
because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches,
4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant,
travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town
or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least
8 banquet hall owners

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.



And you REALLY, REALLY
know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 1:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your Mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce
"manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called
"sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing".

Not enough? Here’s more…

Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.
There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.
The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.
God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat 'Chef Boy-ar-dee', 'Franco American', 'Ragu', 'Prego', or anything else labeled as Italian in a jar or can.
Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol.
Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and
minestrone or shcarole soup.
If anyone EVER says ESCAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00 PM sharp. The meal went like this... The table was set with everyday dishes. It doesn't matter if they don't match. They're clean; what more do you want?
All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left.
A clean kitchen towel was put at Nonna's & Papa's plates because they won't use napkins.
Homemade wine and bottles of 7-UP are on the table.

First course, Antipasto... Change plates.
Second course, macaroni. All pasta was called macaroni... Change plates.
Third course, roast beef, potatoes and vegetables... Change plates.
THEN, and only then - NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL
- would you eat the salad drenched in homemade oil & vinegar dressing... Change plates.
Next course, fruit & nuts - in the shell - on paper plates because you ran out of the real ones.
Last was coffee with anisette (Fernet if you lived in my house)for Nonna, 'American' coffee for the rest - with hard cookies (biscotti) to dunk in the coffee.

The kids would go out to play.
The men would go lay down. They slept so soundly that you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia.
The women cleaned the kitchen.
We got screamed at by Mom or Nonna, and half of the sentences were English, the other half Italian.
Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but could nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you were in the living room.

Other things particular to Italians...

The prom dress that Zia Ceserina made you cost only $20.00, which was for the material.
The prom hairdo was done free by Cousin Angela.
Turning around at the prom to see your entire family, including your Godparents, standing in the back of the gym... PRICELESS!

True Italians will love this.
Those of you who are married to Italians will understand this.
And those who wish they were Italian, and those who are friends with Italians, will remember with a smile. Then they'll forward this to their Italian friends with love or a reasonable facsimile.