HOLY $#(+!

I’m going to hell!

Straight to hell, the do not stop in the kitchen or bathroom on the way hell.
Why you ask?
You didn’t!
Well I’ll tell you anyway. It seems TLW (The Little Woman) and I went to church one Sunday recently, and I am turning into a hopeless case!

As I entered the building, I looked for all the old familiar faces, and they were all there. I thought to myself: “We need a new crop of sinners! The old crop looks a little thin and drawn, and everything seems so tired looking!”

First off were the ushers, you know, those guys that hang around the church during a service, then like the government, pop out of hiding to take your money. Old guys and gals, tired and worn, by rote they do their thing. I try not to know them, because I don’t want them realizing I don’t put a lot of silent money in the basket. When they are not collecting money, they are chit-chatting in the vestibule, not attending or really paying attention to the service.

Then there is a young lady, newly married and just had her first child. She is about 4” 5”, and weights about 60 lbs. When she was pregnant, during her third term, the baby decided to carry her! She was once again back, svelte and annoyingly thin!

Then there is the Spanish lady. A little old lady who barely speaks English, has a prayer book in Spanish, and sits in the same spot every Sunday, prayers before a side altar and just before the priest arrives, races to her seat, but his day she was sitting in her customary seat, sound asleep! I waited anxiously for her to be surprised when the priest showed up. Nothing like the fun of seeing someone wake up and try to put themselves together with dignity!
Finally there are the two habitual late ladies, who arrive just after the priest, smile and gesture to all their friends, causing a disturbance and unsettleness to everyone around them as they unseat and bother those who have arrived on time. TLW (The Little Woman) and I argue over whether they are sisters or not, she says they are, I say they are not. I just know I’m right!

Finally there is the priest. Fresh from Africa, with a French educational background, and is learning English by reading Marvel comics, and TV. The trouble with him is two-fold.
One, I can’t understand him, and two, he likes to go one for as long as possible. MY BIGGEST FEAR IS EVENTUALLY HE WILL GET TO THE SUBJECT OF ETERNITY, AND THAT ONCE HE DOES, HE WILL GO ON FOR THAT LONG.

But I’m supposed to go to church to pray. I’m supposed to go to speak with God. Once, after a near-death experience of reading a list of things TLW left for me, I dropped down on my knees and prayed out loud: “I love you, but is this necessary?” A voice came out of the blue that stated: “THAT BETTER BE GOD YOU’RE TALKING TO!”

This priest will usually hypnotize me into a deep rest, so much so, that gentle nudges become frantic kicks from TLW to awaken me. Little does she know, I’ve written whole passages of the Bible on the inside of my eyelids to read them during the service, and am not sleeping!

Well this past Sunday, as I read, I realized I read without interruption. Surprised, I looked up and to my right sat TLW, a steady and gentle cadence to her soft breathing. When her eyes finally fluttering open, she looked at me smiling broadly at her, and she seemed to say: “OK, this once, and if you mention it, I will kill you.”

So you see dear reader, I am easily distracted!