IT’S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR, AGAIN!

HO-HO-HUM

I know it is too early to complain since Halloween and Thanksgiving are not over yet, but… This Christmas thing is wearing me out. Soon, I will be spending a whole afternoon writing and addressing and stamping envelope for Christmas and Holiday cards! That is a lot of work! Most of you when you get a card read it quickly and put it aside. Christmas is a physical thing, requiring great energy, time and money. After you open the card, my mouth is still dry days later from the licking of the flaps on the envelopes from the days before!

 I store all my decorations on a top shelf in my garage. This means risking life and limbs by grabbing a wobbly ladder and grabbing huge overstuffed heavy boxes, which sit over my head. They are heavy, long, and awkward. The ladder shakes and my legs become wobbly, testing my patience and causing me to recall Italian swear words learned at my father’s shoe, inches from my behind.

 Then there is that wreath, you know, the one that goes outside when it’s cold? The one that looks more worn every year. Again, get the ladder, open it up and climb, and while I climb, the front legs of the ladder sink about three inches into the ground, threatening to flip me into my large dining room window, and onto my dining room table. If this happens, I’m sure the Little Woman will want to know why I’m not putting up the wreath. She will also balk at cleaning up the mess, especially the blood.

 Once my fingers get back the circulation, back into the garage for more torture, taking out the Christmas tree. For all you politically correct wussies, I’m using the word ‘Christmas!’ That’s ‘C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S’, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! So, there, no, ‘Holiday’ - Christmas.

 We have gone over the years from a real tree to one that is artificial, and now one that has the lights on all the time, even in the box, stored. Whoever came up with this idea was or is a genius. I HATE PUTTING UP THE TREE, TRYING TO GET THE #&64ING LIGHTS TO ALL WORK, LET ALONE BLINK!

 TLW (The Little Woman) every year after I put on the lights and asks: “Why aren’t all the lights blinking?” Holding my sore back, I suggest she blink her eyes real fast.

 Every year we have thousands of little items that need to be put in some kind of imaginative way. I used to care, did care once but don’t care, anymore! Chachki’s, ornaments and other stuff must have a sense of balance on the tree, but as I said before: I used to care, did care once but don’t care, anymore!

 The cards we get have to be displayed. I don’t know why, but someone wrote a book on Christmas cards, and they have to be displayed. I would like to display mine in the drawer. I’ll even call it the Christmas Card Drawer, or compromise and say the Christmas AND Holiday card Drawer.

 Last year I suggested that I put all the decorations in a box outside my front door, so when someone comes in, they can pick one out and stick it wherever they wish, (without disturbing me), or on the fake tree.

After Christmas, if they happen to be leaving my house, they can unstick the item and drop it into the box on their way out.

 There is baking, cooking, trying to be merry, and being nice. C’mon folks, you know me, why should I phony it up? There are shopping and wrapping presents, which is another archaic tradition from the law books of Christmas. Why can’t you leave it in the bag you carried it home in from the store? “Here, Merry Fricken Christmas, let’s eat! And drink!”

 The only holiday I like is on Christmas Eve. (Holiday Eve for you politically correct sissies). That was a memorable family day. I’d see my family, we have a nice Italian feast, and no one talks because we are all too full or drunk, or both!

 But hey, Merry Christmas, anyway, I still love you all!