PEACE

As I sit here in my daughter’s room next to her bed at The Medford Multicare Center, she resting so peacefully. It is 7:30 AM and it is very quiet, she is unaware of my presence as I am unaware of how she feels this morning. Her brown eyes, eyes that sing and say: “I love you” are closed in sleep.

I think of what is in store for her today, what pain or event will consume her tranquility and lead to the demise of mine also.

I say a little prayer over her as a nurse enters with meds, we exchange pleasantries and she leaves as quietly as she entered. I try to pray one more time and succeed.

Suddenly, Ellen awakens with a startled jerk of her head from the pillow that cradles her and gives her some comfort. She looks at me blankly and stares ahead this is a sign that not all is well. For the last two mornings, she has greeted me with a smile telling me she feels fine. Today, without words, she is telling me not everything is good. This will grab the pith of my stomach and hold it all morning when I will have to report to my wife that not all is well. She will take the job of sentry and advocate for her and will at the end of her shift, report back to me.

I wonder how many times I have entered her world this year with great trepidation, how many times I’ve held my breath as I enter her presence.

She has fallen back to sleep again and calmness has settled over her, sweeping away the blank stare and the tension I feel. Soon someone will bring in a breakfast tray with pureed eggs, a bowl of cereal and thickened orange juice and thickened milk. I will try to feed her If she wants to eat it, usually she refuses.

Then I will fill out another crossword puzzle, do0 anther Sudoko and then do some work on my laptop. When 11:00 or thereabouts, I will be relieved by my wife an go home. Is this Monday or Sunday? Is it Christmas Day or my birthday? It doesn’t matter anymore.