SOME THINGS I JUST CAN'T TOLERATE

Only kidding

As some of you might know, I like to spend my Sunday mornings with TLW (The Little Woman) at a dinner for breakfast. It is a nice way to get away from the usual and make it special. It makes for tolerance during the work week.

We get to the establishment at a certain hour and usually are the first to arrive and get served quickly. We chat over coffee as we wait for our breakfast and it is very calming and soothing.

I have discovered I don't like stragglers showing up while I'm eating. I know, I'm a grouch, but it seems to ruin my peace. Generally, what happens is as the stragglers come in, they pass my table and look at me and my dish. I don't like that. Then either the waiter or waitress, in an empty diner or establishment, seat them next to or behind us.

As they slide into their booths, she starts yakking and he plops his fat rear-end not only into the seat but against the back, which causes me to feel the vibrations from the moron as he settles in. Now I feel the shifting of his fat ass while she has increased the decibel level in the whole place, blocking out the overhead music she is so loud.

I would like to institute some ground rules for my happy dining experience. These are suggestions, but you really don't know if I carry a gun or not.

SUGGESTIONS FOR A HAPPY DINING EXPERIENCE:
1. When entering, NEVER look in my eyes. Keep your head down and avoid eye contact.
2. NEVER and I can't stress this enough, NEVER look into my plate!
3. When being seated, ALWAYS ask to be seated as far away from me as possible. This should not stop you from asking for a seat in the parking lot!
4. Always ease into your seat, gently placing your fat ass without disturbing people.
5. If you must communicate, do so at a level that I can't hear.
6. Bringing children into a restaurant is socially unacceptable. If you can't leave them home, drown them before arriving.

There now, simple rules make for simple times, and Bon Appetite!