WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY

Did you ever get into a discussion with someone that said something you didn’t like? And after that discussion do you remember saying to him or her in an imaginary way what you should have said, but couldn’t think of it at the time?

Today I went to the Doctor to find the root of my current ailment.

Scene: One of his inner examination rooms, the patient (me) sitting on the examining table with a sore back, Him (the Doctor) suddenly barges in with one sweeping motion, opening the door and in a loud voice says: “And how are you today?” Me: “Fine.”

Back that up,

Me: “I’ll tell you how I am today, sick-why the hell do you think I’m sitting in your office for? Waiting over an hour in the outer waiting room with a bunch of sickies, reading magazines that were published in, well the stories are about the Beatles coming to America.” “Ya really want to know how I am today doc? Well I’ll tell ya, tired of sitting on this stupid examination table for another hour while you take your sweet ass time with some old lady that needs a wider sfincter so she can fart again.”

Of course I didn’t say that, but wish I could. No, the cute little old nurse that gave me the thermometer would wet herself, and I’d be blamed.

Speaking of which - Peeing in the cup. I always worry that I won’t have any to give, I sit in the waiting room and try to will it up. Not too much, I don’t want to have to dance while I wait with the other sickies.

I give nurse Hilda the cup and she immediately gets out this dip strip that looks like the ones I use to read the alkalinity amount in the water. She dips it and lays it on top on the cup for the doctor, and I say: “Do I need any chlorine?”
Her: “Huh? Chlorine? What do you mean?” I tell her how I use similar strips for my pool, give it 3 big tables of chlorine and tell it to call me in the morning.

Her: “Oh” “????”

One of these visits I’m going to go into those thin metal drawers that line up under his counter where the cotton swabs reside and see what he keeps in them. You would think I’d have enough time to do that with all the waiting I do, but I just never get up the nerve.

Anyway the good doctor says: “What can I do for you today?”
I explain my problem, He hits my kneecaps, my ankles, pulls out the back of my shirt to look at my back, asks if my legs are weak and tells me I may have a herniated disk. “You’ll need some x-rays and a prescription for medicine.” Sometimes I think he likes to play doctor.

What I would like to say when he asks that question is: “Do you think you could give me some of that money you are making? After all Doc, you are making a ton of dough, and you are not even a bakery.” And I may add Doctor, it would make me feel a hellova lot better!