The other day TLW (The Little Woman) decided it was time for me to do the shopping. No, not just a loaf of bread and a container of milk, but the week’s worth of shopping. On top of that, she was sending me solo! This is a big step in my development as a husband. How many guys out there are trusted to do this?
She gave me a wad of 20’s and said: “Go to it.”
I stepped out into the cold world of Stop and Shop with a list and a pen to cross off as I progressed, and immediately, if not sooner there was trouble.
When I entered the hallowed alleys of Stop and Shop, the first thing to greet me was the bakery department. I never knew that donuts could talk, let alone call out to me. Out of curiosity I strolled over to the case where they were being held prisoner, thinking I could free one or two, when suddenly as an apparition, TLW’s face appeared in front of me. The wheels to my shopping cart became frozen, everything was in slow motion, an eerie like slow motion took over and I could hear the dream like nightmarish yell of NOOOOOOO!
I pulled over to the candy aisle to get a grip on myself. Suddenly I could feel the quickness of my heartbeat as it paced itself upward in beats per second, my hand reaching for the 3 lbs. bagged spearmint leaves for a $1.99, while Dr. Hauer my physician began reading my diabetic progress report, while looking sternly and disgustedly at me.
I decided that I really had to move onward, to the soaps and can goods to save myself from self-destruction and a lecture or two. I mean, that’s all I need; TLW and the good Doctor both on my case at the same time.
Tonight when TLW comes home and asks how I did, I can look her squarely in the eyes and say; “Pretty good, pretty, pretty good.”
Of course I will be happy I didn’t succumb to temptation, but weirdly enough, I wish I had.
Send all your hateful comments to hell, or e-mail them to
joedelbroccolo@yahoo.com
Tomorrow: BEATING AROUND THE BUSH WITH A GPS
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