FLORIDA

Well I’m back! Florida, the state of hanging chads, walking retirees and renamed by yours truly: The state with an attitude.

It seems everyday, 24/7 some retired person or persons is walking along the palm tree lined streets of Venus, Florida. In their shorts, peaked caps and hats, spindle like legs and sneakers they trod. Being how I was staying in a condo located on the 15th hole of a golf course, they also cheat a lot in golf.

When I landed in Sarasota airport, I had to sign a paper that stated: “If driving a vehicle within the confines of Florida, I do so promise not to exceed 20 miles per hour, and that I will drive with either my left or right directional signal left on. On Fridays, I will drive with both on, so help me God.”

Most of the people are up at 4:00 AM, so they can get into walking. After their walk, they go play golf and are pissed off the rest of the day from getting up so early.

After 3:30 PM, the airport and public transportation close down so everyone can make the Early Bird Specials.

One day we decided to go to Boca Raton, aptly named: “God’s Waiting Room” by non other than Josh Peck’s Mom, the Mom of one of my favorite young actors. You should Google him. Going from Venus to Boca Raton means crossing the waist of Florida, from the west coast to the east coast. To do this you must drive along “Alligator Alley” a road that parallels the main highway. As you do this, you will see shoes, belts and handbags swimming along the river. Please wait until they have brand name tags on them.

All the cars that passed us at 21 MPH were with childless older couples. I thought: “How sad, no children.” Hah! This inspired me to come up with an idea. You set up a sign and hire little Spanish speaking children. The road sign reads: “Feel young again. Rent our little amigo’s for only $19.95 a day.” Now stay with me here. What it does is make you drive around no matter how old you are, with a little kid in the back seat. When he or she whines, or complains is hungry, it will be done in Espanol, so you can’t understand them, and don’t have to stop!

I noticed a lot of elementary schools along the various towns in Florida. These schools are for old people who never graduated and are going back for their elementary diploma. Really a great idea, since it keeps them out of trouble and off the roads.

Tomorrow: Valentines Day revisited.

Think God has a sick sense of humor, allowing this blog to continue? Write to: joedelbloggolo@yahoo.com, tell him to “Stop writing,” or you will pray for a mirror for him to see how old HE is.