SLAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA’AM

It was the big day, the day I was waiting for, for over 6 months. TLW (The Little Woman) and I got into our car and drove to the Park and Ride and found the bus that would take me to my feast of feasts. Little did I know what lay in store for me?

Climbing the stairs to the bus and finding a nice comfortable seat, I settled in with TLW and waited to take off, to pick up other passengers to visit the famous Rainbow Room in New York City, high above the NBC Studios.

As I sat on the bus, contemplating this very expensive brunch, I couldn’t help but notice a lady or two climbing onto the bus, wearing red hats. After a while, there were many ladies wearing red hats and no men in sight! What had TLW gotten me into?

I must apologize for sounding crass or crude, but the girths on some of these cows made me wonder if the bus (A Greyhound type) would be able to carry this much cargo, so to speak. As we went from pick-up point to pick-up point, more and more of these red hated ladies would board the bus, bigger and bigger did they seem.

Once we were finally on our way, the bus slid onto the Long Island Expressway, and began its journey to the heart of the city. The ladies were becoming louder and louder, and there were only a few men on the bus. Sleeping was not an option.

Along the way, I decided to use the toilet in the back of the bus, and started to walk back to it, and as I did, the bus weaved side to side, the driver possessed.

Stepping into the phone booth size toilet, I see the sign: “Please sit while using the toilet” or something like that.
Being a man, I felt that that was not practical, and suddenly realized why one should sit. The bus jumped into another lane, sending me against the door, against the wall, then another wall, followed by still another, when I finally came crashing down onto the bowl itself! I suspect the bus driver was playing with my head, as they say. With no choice left, I followed instructions as they were suggested. This did not help much, as the bus recreated its last path, me now flying off the bowl, against the door with my pants down around my ankles! I finally got out of the chamber of horrors, and limped back to my seat.

Now it was the herds time to get up and graze, as they past me by, smacking my face left and right with their huge posteriors each time they passed me, sideways down the rather narrow aisle they traveled. Their rears all pointed in my direction. Smack, left cheek, smack right cheek, and my head now loosely flopping left to right in my seat. I felt I had spent 15 rounds with Ali, my hands tied behind my back, ready to fall, my eyes rolling in my head!

Then they all gathered for the romp through the Rainbow room, standing at the entrance, ready to stampede to the buffet table and overrun the service, tables and customers in a feeding frenzy. Huge hams and trays of eggs, big cakes and shrimp so large you could saddle them; were consumed by these ladies.

I know I am not being nice, but one must consider circumstances and reactionary fear that comes into play.

As we later ventured with this group to the NBC building (National Biscuit Company), in downtown NYC, where Rachel Ray does her program, the ladies were loading up with ice cream and cookies. TLW suggested that I stop complaining and maybe draw one! I suggested to her that there is not enough ink in the world to draw one.

Tired of tasteless blogs? Write to: joedelbroccolo@yahoo.com, tell him; “Hey, you ain’t so skinny yourself, you fathead.”