LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY ROOM

I have reached a verdict, I find this process BORING!

And so I returned from lunch to return to the Jury waiting room, expecting to be brought into room 107 to continue where we had left off the day before. The wait took until 2:30 before 40 people were now called into a room and sat quietly until the liars, oops lawyers appeared for the first time and told us they were picking 3 alternates for a case, outlining the case, a law suit against a high school, a glass company and a contractor.

Each lawyer tediously questioned the first three people selected from this little lotto drum, and I breathed a sigh of relief. They had mentioned that the trial was going to begin on a certain date, and I saw it conflicting with my plans for California in October. Of the three they questioned, they excused two and drew two more names from the drum as I held my breath once more. Both were excused, and I was getting very nervous about my chances of getting called as the room was dwindling down to a precious few.

Three more are called and I held my breath, as once more I was being bypassed. The maddening process of questioning these candidates, listening to their excuses and watching them wiggle out if they could makes you want to smack them. What do you mean you “May have a problem?” Don’t give us any phony excuses, and get your ass in that jury box before I knock you into it. Yes, I was getting that desperate.

The weather that day was picture perfect, sunny in the low 70’s and stuffy and dull in the courthouse. Stuck in the selection room late into the afternoon after waiting for hours with nothing to do but read and be bored was getting to me. Suddenly there was this sound. I heard the same sound once while working in NYC, while they were drilling underground for the 2^nd Avenue subway line. It was intrusive at first and seemed to be mysteriously coming from nowhere! Suddenly heads were turning and looking around, a slow moving ripple of giggles began to take root and grow steadily through the group of nervous survivors. The lady in front of me, about mid-forties was leaning back in her chair fast asleep, snoring to the tune of an old buzz saw or drilling through solid rock.

The liars, ooops I mean lawyers suddenly stopped, looking out to see what was happening, and someone mercifully awakened the slacker from her sweet repose! It struck me, what a great way to get out of jury duty! What liar, oops I mean lawyer would want someone who doesn’t pay attention to the trial and particularly his opening and closing remarks during the trial and all the questioning to sit on this sacred and entrusted panel?

My God, I have learned something new. Besides, I’m old now, who would fault an old man for falling asleep? Then they would start to think about all the toilet breaks I should need, and my meds, yes, I’ll need to reschedule when to take my meds so as to take them during the trial! The woman was a savior of my twisted and lost spirit, she had taught me that if you work hard enough at something, you do fall asleep, and where not better than the jury selection process?

And so dear readers, I was once more bypassed in the lottery of life. Just like the NYS lotto, the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, the Irish sweepstakes and every pool and game of chance I played in life, I lost, but this time I was a lucky loser!

And so I filed out of the room and back into the big room where it all started, had my summons validated that I had done my duty, and as that stamp came down on the badge, I really wanted to reach across the desk and kiss that lady with the stamp, I was free! I felt like I did when I graduated college and they gave me my diploma, I was done for a while!