THE NEWS!

It was eerily quiet. Sitting on the examining table, I started to contemplate opening some drawers to see what was in them, or playing with the doctor’s blood pressure contraption. After all these years, I deserve to have some fun. I had already memorized all the wall charts for intestines, and baldness. I already had quit smoking. There really was nothing else left. Suddenly the door swings open and in pops the Doctor.

“How are you today?”

I think: I have a right arm that is about to fall off, there is something seriously wrong about my recent weight gain. My feet hurt, my nose runs a lot in the morning, getting more exercise than I do, I seem to need more sleep. Every time I try to move, something else hurts. I have all the side effects mentioned by all the commercials for everything from medications for menstrual cramps to prostate problems. My dog is taking advantage of my good nature, and TLW (The Little Woman) is starting to look younger every day. The problem of bone density is in my head, I answer him: “OK”.

He says: “Let’s have a look.”

Yes, let’s.

My doctor’s vocabulary is very simple. “Hmmm, say aah,” and my favorite, “Let’s check the prostate.” Hmmm. Yes, let’s.

“Ok, this is your annual visit, so we need to take pictures, let’s go to the x-ray room. Hmmm. Yes, let’s.

We take the pictures and head back to his office. I sit waiting so he can finish talking to a patient sitting in there already. We are all called “Patients” because of our patience in waiting in all the different rooms he has.

As I sit, there is a room next to me where the catered lunch is sitting. It smells good, I’m hungry and hey, why not? I’m ready to make my move, when suddenly: “Mr. DelBloggolo, you can come in now.” Drats!

He looks at the heart tape taken earlier, puts it aside and turns to the x-rays, his demeanor seemingly changing!

Oh, no! Tell me doctor, I can take it! What is it? What terrible thing is it? Will TLW be a widow? Dam, I should have checked to see if the insurance is up to date before I left. I wonder if I should pick out music for the funeral. I’ll also need a caterer for afterwards. I hope TLW orders stuff I like. I guess that won’t matter.

“Oh, Nora, could you come in her, please?”

My God! It’s worst than I thought! I’ll probably have to be rushed to the hospital right now! Maybe I better call TLW, and Phil, my best man.

“Nora, the printer needs ink!”

Ha! I knew it! Not a thing to worry about.