IF SHE’S RETIRED, I’M DEAD!

Many years ago, too many to recall, I became a big brother for the 3rd time! This time I was sure it would be a boy: the odds seemed to lean that way. It was a Saturday in late March, and Dad had assigned me the job of painting the bathroom while he and Mom went to the hospital to deliver a new sibling into the world.

It had started before sunrise on March 23, 1959. The day was dawning cold but sunny, and I was told to warm up the car for Dad, while he got instructions form Mom on what he had to do for the hospital.

Out I went to the old 1948 Ford and started it up, shivering while waiting to feel the car was on long enough for it not to stall. I watched the sun slowly creeping into the new day sky, and started thinking about how neat it would be to have a brother for the first time! After all these years and 3 sisters later, this would be the turning point.

Off Mom and Dad went to the Brookhaven Memorial Hospital maternity ward, while I went inside and ate breakfast. My confidence was building, this was it, a boy, and I would equal the odds a little more in my direction! Yes, soon the men would make a comeback, no, we would rule supreme.

After my older sister Tess (much older) stole my breakfast before I could even eat it, I decided to go to work and started painting the bathroom. Excited but hungry, I awaited the call.

Around mid-morning, the phone rang! “This is it!” I thought. “The tide had turned, so had the worm! Move over sisters, we’re taking over!”

Tess, my older sister (much older) answered the phone, as I stood with paintbrush, poised to create another stroke.

“IT’S A GIRL! Ha-ha, it’s a GIRL!” shouted Tessie my older sister (much older). She was lying! She had to be lying! That can’t be?

“Give me that phone.”
“Here sucker, go ahead and cry!” said Tess, my older sister (much older).
“Dad! WHAT DID MOM HAVE????”
“A girl.”
“What? I send you to the hospital for a boy, warm up the car even, and you tell me you are bringing back ANOTHER girl? Can’t you get this right?”

Well, after all these years, that baby sister is retiring from her job as assistant principal at a local school in the Bellport school district.

I find her on the internet in a chat room

Typing-
Me: Joanne! I hear you are retiring!”
TPITA: “Yup”
Me: Really, when?”
TPITA: “July”
Me: Wow! If my baby sister is retiring, I must be dead then!”
TPITA: “Yup.”

And so it goes, I get older, not any smarter, but older, and the only thing that moves fast on me now is the arthritis that moves through my body!

Well, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PITA! I’M PROUD OF YOU!
Love,
Your younger at heart brother,
Joe