“DIG WE MUST”

“DIG WE MUST” indeed.

Many years ago, ConEd had a slogan that they used in their advertising. Why a utility advertises is beyond me. They don’t have any competition, and in the summer they even ask you to cut down on your consumption! The slogan was: “Dig we must” borrowed from ConEd’s CEO’s proctologist at the time.

Having an appointment as an older person, you go every three years, and the doctor goes after your colon. Hopefully he isn’t absent minded when he works and loses things, or forgets to gather all his tools.

The very first time I went to my doctor, he showed me a chart of the stomach, and claimed that the intestine runs more miles than Amtrac, and like Amtrac runs from your wazoo, through Chicago and out you wazoo once again. Wazoo is the medical term for a connection between your wallet and his bank deposit slip. I remember not following the doctor after awhile, thinking: “ he’s gonna shove what up my what?!”

Of course the procedure is easy, they put you out, but it is not the procedure we want to talk about. No, something goes on before hand. Yes, the snake with the camera goes to places unheard of, all while you lay there asleep. Before they can allow that snake to do his thing, they give you a prescription to take to the pharmacy, and you return home with a box that could hold a small desktop computer! Simply little things like swallowing a drink become suddenly not so simple, and not so fast. For good measure, they make it taste like you just butt licked your dog! (Pardon my vulgarity and crudeness. Please don’t tell my mother!) Another thing that comes to mind is the space shuttle launch. You know, when at Cape Canaveral, the rocket reaches new heights with an after burn so intense. You are the rocket.

Some things that may go through your mind if you stayed awake during this procedure:

• "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
• "Take it easy doc, you're going where no man has ever done before."
• "Can you hear me NOW?"
• "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
• "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
• "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
• "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
• "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."
• "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
• "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
• "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
• "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
• "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

But like when you bang your head against a brick wall, (I had teenage children) once you stop, it feels so good. You come out of the procedure, and head for the nearest restaurant for breakfast, a big one, with coffee and milk in it. No fooling around.

The procedure I will give in detail. They make you sleep and you swear you are still waiting to begin afterward.

Then they consult with you. You make an appointment so they can charge you and tell you everything came out OK, literally.