IT’S ALL BEHIND ME NOW!

Going to my G.P. is a pain in the butt, and he’s not a proctologist. No, that honor goes to Rear Admiral Spielberg.

The G.P. Dr. Strangeglove finds ways to make my life miserable, impossible and annoying. He sends me to cardiologist Dr. Diapers, eye doctor, Dr. Ego, and of course Rear Admiral Spielberg. It was the Rear Admiral that gives a spiel on the importance of an end-to-end checkup.

He insists that I be there at 6:30 A.M., and then I make out more forms and sign my name to more documents than a house closing. The only difference in the two is he gets all his money up front.

I will say this for the medical center; the nurses are wonderful and make you feel like your butt is covered at all times, even when it is not.

Entering the medical center I said to TLW (The Little Woman): “Another old man getting a procedure done!”

“Where?”

“Here”

Once inside we register at the desk, and “Take a seat”. After signing more papers, (These papers are to allow you to sign more papers in the prep room, which are not like the papers to filled out before you even got to the place, or the papers you filled out when you originally went to the Rear Admiral’s office.) I think the only ones who demanded more papers were the Nazis.

There are four couples at this ungodly hour. All are old shits like me, and all look like they may be doing this for the first time. Being this is my third, I will soon be able to talk to mothers about birthing, since I gave birth each time to enough gas to foil an oil embargo! There are two women and two men getting the procedure, and all look like they are afraid that this is their last day on earth. In a sense it is, it is their last day on earth with dignity, once the gown is swept aside, they use these tools to remove the dignity.

The anesthesiologist comes into the procedure room and introduces herself. She is young and beautiful, and I think maybe I should reschedule another colonoscopy for tomorrow too. She is very concerned about my comfort, and comes over and repositions my head, fixing a small pillow and then repositioning my head once again. Taking her truth serum, the stuff TLW must use, she injects it into a tube and says: “This will …”

Suddenly I look around me, and I’m in the prep room once again. There was so much I wanted to tell the anesthesiologist, but she is gone! I settle for someone’s great grandmother who tells me everything went fine, the doctor recovered all his tools and you can go home. Just don’t drive, lift heavy objects or swear out loud.

Colonoscopy is a procedure that can save your life, especially as you get older. It is preventive medicine, and I think for one day of inconvenience, the day you flush you system, the trouble is not so bad, and worth the time.

Please, if you think you should have one done, or your doctor thinks so, please, please do it.