HE’S CIRCLING

The other day, TLW (The Little Woman) looked in my direction and said: “That needs to be replaced!” My clothes are only 25 years old so it couldn’t be that, my shoes still had the soles on them, and the chair was still good! Then I realized she was looking at our leather couch in our den.

“OK, whenever you want to look, let me know. How about today?”

So off to three stores that deal in furniture, the first being Raynor and Flannigan, JCPenney & Bob’s.

I think he's not real

Now let me tell you: going through a bunch of furniture stores to buy a couch requires testing, testing that requires physical work. SITTING DOWN THEN GETTING UP IS WORK, when you do it enough times. Finding the right feel of bounce, cushion, support and feet to the floor comfort is all-important. Have you ever seen someone who is concentrating on how comfortable a couch is? They are concentrating on how their ass feels!

The last 40 years I’ve been looking for the ideal chair. I don’t like chairs that bite into your legs because they are too short, chairs that are too deep, and your lower back is on the seat instead of the backrest. Generally, I like a backrest that supports my big melon head. The only person who owned that kind of chair was my father-in-law. His chair encircled you, held you and you sat up, not slouched. The seat of the chair was so that when you sat, it comforted you; you didn’t squat into it. It was no wonder when he was alive he always sat in it.

As we perused through the first store, we made an agreement to check out all three stores. No matter how much we fall in love with the chair, we would give every store a chance to rob us. We finally find a couch that meets our criterion, in JCP. OK, we decide to move on to Raynor & Flannigan, where once again we try out different couches, but like the other store, the color is not right. TLW points out a chair with a remote switch and is laughing. I try it and hit one of the buttons, and slowly, the seat is rising, higher and higher it goes, with me in it when suddenly the seat itself is not going parallel to the floor, it is standing me up!

We pretty much have our hearts set on JCPenney. TLW is starting to break, and suggests maybe we should end our hunt and just get the one we liked. “No” say I, we are going to go to Bob’s just as we said we would.

I couldn’t help but notice that no salesperson bothered us in the first two stores, when we arrive at Bob’s. We get out of the car and TLW says: “Look, they are waiting for us!” “Don’t look them in the eyes.” I caution her. They pounce, we duck, they feint, we laterally slide, step forward, we step back, there is no way of avoiding them.

“Is there something particular you are looking for?” he asks TLW.

Has a father-in-law!

Being a Catholic School graduate she tells him. He points out the different types and where we can find them. I think: “Ah, he’s leaving us alone!” Happily we start looking, when I notice he is in view, just circling and keeping near. I feel like I’m walking lunch for a hungry vulture.

We move on to another area, more couches, more standing and sitting, more tiring as it gets, my feet hurting. I notice he is in view, just circling and keeping near. We sit some more, commenting, he is listening, getting ready for the kill. As we move further onward, we come to this really nice couch, has all we want, and the price is fantastic. The vulture is now licking his chops. I sit in it and he comes over to me.

“You know, this is a really good deal. My father-in-law is in the business and told me what to look for in a couch.” I’m stunned, he happened to get a job in the business of selling what his father-in-law makes! He continues: “You need to look at the fine stitching, and feel these arms, notice there is nothing in them but upholstery, not cardboard!”

The man was wasting his breath, we had decided to take it anyway, but I continued to look unimpressed. “I don’t know… I’m not sure I like it all that much… I have to talk to the boss.”

He drifts away, and TLW and I decide on the final color and she calls the boy over. I say: “OK, wrap it up.”

His “Father-in-law” who must be about 100 must be very proud of him.