I NEED REHAB!

Yes, I admit it! I need some serious rehabilitation.

The other day, with the coming of the two boys home for the holidays, TLW, (The Little Woman) decided to go out and buy some items for the guys to have when they are home. God forbid there are no cookies, or potato chips in the house, one would hop on the first plane to California, and the other one on the first train to Purchase in TLW’s mind!

Well, I have been having a sweet tooth problem lately, and after dinner in particular, it has been hitting, and hitting hard. Usually there is no cake or cookies in the house, we just don’t need them. (So says TLW)

Hunting around in what I thought was a fruitless effort, low and behold (I still don’t know what the hell that really means), I find a bag of cookies in the pantry closet. It is about 9:00 pm, and TLW is watching TV with her eyes closed once again, when I decide to make my move.

Carefully, I pull the bag apart, making sure that I don’t make any noise. (Sniveling coward) I appropriated two ladyfinger cookies that fit neatly in my palm, and make my getaway. As I munched in my studio, it got me thinking about the old days when Mom would buy cookies for the younger kids, and would yell: “Don’t touch those cookies, they’re for the kids!” She felt that I was not one of her children! That got me thinking about the time, I used her rules to do in my older sister Tessie (much older) for a transgression she committed upon my being.

It was a Saturday morning, she was still in bed asleep, and Mom and Dad had gone out. I was awake, and decided to get my revenge on Tessie! Going to the cookie closet, I took down the unopened box of cookies, and removed a half a dozen, or maybe it was six, I don’t remember, and ate all but one. The one cookie I took into my sleeping sisters room, and crumbled it on her bed! The brilliance of my plan was so cold and calculating, that to this day, I smile at it.

Mom came home and was loading the closet with some items, when she noticed the box of cookies was opened!

“JOSEPH! DID YOU GO INTO THE COOKIES, I TOLD YOU THEY ARE FOR THE KIDS!”

“Mom, why do I get blamed for everything around here? Huh?”

“THEN WHY IS THE BOX OPENED AND HALF EMPTY, YOUR TWO SISTERS ARE TOO SMALL TO REACH THEM. YOU ARE THE ONLY CHOOTCH I NOW WHO WOULD DO THAT.”

“Maybe Tessie did it?”

“OH, PLEASE, DON’T HAND ME THAT!”

“Well ask her, for a change, don’t ask me.”

(Notice I didn’t deny anything, just asked for a more thorough investigation, before getting the wooden spoon broken on my head.)

Mom goes into Tessie’s room, where she is questioned, and of course denies everything. (What a piece of work, she knows she’s innocent even in her sleep. Jeez!)

I go in to help things along, lean on the crumbs and brush them off, Mom sees this and she gets hell!

Revenge and about five cookies were mine, free and clear.

Later in life I often though of apologizing to Tess, but thought: NAH!